Little Dash

New Bike

2012-01-27T14:06:00.001-08:00

Flying

2012-01-27T14:02:00.000-08:00

I had grand plans for Dash's 6th birthday. We were going to do a Pirate treasure hunt/mystery party at the house. I ordered the mystery kit, bought half of the supplies and started Pinning my ass off. Then he announced he wanted his party at Master Shin's (his Tae Kwon Do studio). Well.

I'm not (very) ashamed to admit that I was utterly uninspired by the whole thing, so although the party was a blast for the littles, mama mostly sat around twiddling her thumbs. Here's the recap:

Since we opted for the "anti-gravity" package (aka, fling the kids on bungee harnesses) at the studio, we went with an astronaut theme. Here's the image for the invitations.

For the favors I went the way of simple & useful. I ordered these awesome astronaut books (plus some more age-appropriate books for the younger brothers of some of our guests).

Each page gives a few nuggets of great information about space and space travel. Laika!

And, because, really how could I not:

Freeze dried ice cream (better in theory, by the way, but it was fun to see the kids try to wrap their minds around it).

But really the best & most important part was that the kids ran and laughed and jumped and flew and sang and a great time was had by all.

(But if he thinks he's not getting the Pirate Party next year then he's smoking kindergarten crack).

Chump

2012-01-19T09:04:00.000-08:00

Dash: Mama, can you please make Cuddles a pair of glasses & a t-shirt with a picture of a rocket with Cuddles inside?

Mama: Seriously? Uh, ok:

(modeled by Snow Fudge as Cuddles was sleeping with Dash at the time)

Josh: I think he's just fucking with you to see what he can get you to do.

And Now We Are Six

2012-01-18T09:19:00.000-08:00

Then

Now

Happy birthday, Shmoosh. You make everything worth doing.

Arty Farts

2012-01-05T12:28:00.000-08:00

I was off work between Christmas & the New Year, so I got to spend the week with some of my favorite minors. After many, many bike rides around the block, trips to the park, craft days, board games & Nutella sandwiches for lunch, we decided to actually leave the house and hit us up some culture.

We headed out to LACMA to meet up with some more of our favorite minors (and one major), the Babkes family. While we waited for Adam to arrive with Ben & the twins, we treated ourselves to some $7 Shirley Temples (with a currant at the bottom instead of a cherry. that shit just made me straight angry).

Then the kids burned off the sodas by chasing each other around the lamp post installation.

Once all hands were on deck we got down to the serious work of reinterpreting the works of the modern art masters. The kids just sprawled out on the floor in front of the pieces they liked and got to it. The guards and visitors were really sweet about it and only got mad when they started poking their boogary fingers at stuff.

Joel Shapiro, Untitled (Dancing Man), 1981 // Dash Engel, Stick Dude, 2011

René Magritte,The Treachery of Images, 1929 // Dash Engel, Smoker, 2011

Josef Albers, Homage to the Square, 1951-1955 // Maddie Odom, Homage to the Homage to the Square, 2011

Jeff Koons, Quad Elvis, 2008 // Dash Engel, BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS!, 2011

No Clue, Not A One, Who Knows? // Dash Engel, But Lookit That Grin, 2011

(FYI, locals, do you guys know about LACMA's Next Gen program? The kids become members for free--and get badges! to keep! and wear around their necks! like little official people! with little official business!--and as their companion, one adult also gets in free with each child. Free art, dudes! Hit it!)

KINGS!!

2012-01-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

What's going to happen if Dash ever has to attend a sporting event in the plebe seats?

Ben and Dash don't mix it up with the rabble.

Is there anything classier than someone taking pictures of the fancy door scanner thing that lets us into the suite?

Also, look who figured out the tilt shift on her iPhone!

(Thanks as always to our beloved Babkes family for letting us ride your fancy coat tails)

Christmas 2011, Yo

2012-01-03T15:01:00.000-08:00

And just like that, Christmas came and went and we're all much richer in toys and fun and laughing, and poorer in actual money.

The night before, Dash put on his reindeer feedin' hat & dumped the food (100% Dash-made, ingredients: oatmeal & sparkle) onto the lawn.

Earlier in the week we'd been invited to a cookie decorating party where Dash made these just for Santa. I put them right next to the menorah because I have an excellent sense of humor.

And then it was Christmas morning. Dash sneaked downstairs to assess the gift situation & returned to wake us with the proclamation that Santa had come!

This was Josh's most favorite gift from me. (OK, it's mean, but funny if you know Josh and his myriad mysterious maladies).

Dash got a new pair of Vans! We knew Santa had been requested to deliver a new pair, so we persisted in sending him to school in the filthiest, most tore up shoes ever. Finally my poor mother could take it no longer & bought him a pair of shoes to wear in the interim. They were that disgusting.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Blurgfith?

Who?

Flowers?

Flowers for whom?

...Plumber?

We didn't call a plumber!

Dolphin?

Oh, ok.

HA! LAND SHARK!

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

This is the exact moment the two of them realized that they're holding a snow-cone maker. A MOTHERFUCKING SNOW-CONE MAKER! IN OUR MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE!

What's "Updog"?

Not much, dog. What's up with you?

We asked Dash repeatedly what he wanted for Christmas from Santa and number one on the list every time was a "dead body." He meant an anatomy kit, but dead body is so much more awesome.

Hello ladies. How you like my large intestine?

A dismember-able zombie. Because why the hell not?

Roller blades from Grandma & Grandpa. Do you think he liked them?

This was the first year I didn't make anything for Dash, so Josh took over by making up some marshmallow shooters. Each one was painted & named (White Rain, Silver Fox, Red Ryder & Marsh Vader). What? You thought I was the only crazy person in the Engel house? Bitch, please.

Action shot!

I made up ammo stickers to go on the bags of marshmallows.

And then they proceeded to blow marshmallows at one another for the next hour.

Josh got me this because obviously he loves me more than I deserve.

Sometimes I see shit like this and I just think, the world can't be all bad, you know? If it occurred to someone to make a straw that is also glasses.

Hope yours was merry happy, too!

Merry Happy

2011-12-24T08:50:00.000-08:00

Gifts

2011-12-23T17:55:00.000-08:00

Tonight, for the ninth year in a row, I made the amazing candied pecan recipe I got from one of my favorite people in the world, Danielle Villalpando.

This was the first Christmas that I can remember that we didn't get together with our beloved Villalpando family (Danielle's husband, Dan, is Josh's oldest friend in the world & I've adopted them as my own). Schedules and distance and time got between us this year. But every single time I make her pecans, I remember how much I adore them and their beautiful family. Hopefully some of that love goes into the pecans and the receivers feel some of the affection I feel when I make them.

Merry Christmas, Villalpandos. Merry Christmas, all.

Pecans for our sweet mail carrier, Rosa.

Solstice

2011-12-23T17:47:00.000-08:00

I've been compelled to come up with a ritual to help us celebrate the Winter holidays since Dash was born. We do light the candles at Hanukkah, and we deck the halls like motherfuckers, but we don't practice any religion (we're ethnic Jews, but we don't go to temple), so the narrative of Jesus' birth doesn't really play in the Engel house. I've always known that Christmas had its roots in the Solstice, but I didn't know where to start in our celebrations.

Well, this year I took the bull by the horns & just made it up as I went along. We invited our most beloved & (over)fed them on brisket and latkes, and then we did some serious hippie shit and it was the most perfect thing ever. Testify:

The first project I came up with for the kiddos was to make bird feeders from found pine cones. I wrapped a bit of raffia around them for hanging and then let the kids at them.

I set out paper trays of peanut butter & bird seed. The kids smeared the pb on the pine cones & then rolled them in the seeds.

Voila! A Winter snack for our winged friends.

Our next project was a Solstice candle holder. We talked a little bit about the short days of winter and how lighting the candles was a symbol of hope for the coming longer days. Each small guest was invited to light a candle and make a wish.

(I made the candle holder with a slice of wood & some painted doo-dads from the craft store. I love it in a weird way.)

I also took the opportunity to tie the idea of "lights" into the Hanukkah and Christmas traditions of lighting candles. I'm hoping the more religious of our guests weren't pissed at my hippie ramblings.

Our next craft was the making of the ornaments. I bought some clear ornaments and colored glitter from the craft store. I prepped some strips of colored paper and invited the smalls to write their wishes for the coming year on them.

We then rolled up the papers, inserted them into the ornaments and filled them with enough glitter to choke a reindeer. We can open them next year to see if our wishes came true!

Our last craft of the night was the making of bell wreaths from pipe cleaners & jingle bells. The olds from before used to ring bells to scare away the dark spirits, so we did, too!

And, finally, for part of the gifts, I settled on the idea of Solstice jammies for Dash & his besties. I got them matching Ts & bottoms & appliqued their initials on them. I love the idea of all three of them (not pictured: Ben) waking up on Christmas morning in matching jams.

Andre

2011-12-20T22:46:00.000-08:00

How to make your wife pee her pants a little bit first thing in the morning even though you discussed putting him there the night before:

Crazy Town

2011-12-20T09:32:00.000-08:00

After a false start on Sunday...

Liz: "Pose for a picture, boys!"
Josh & Dash: "Dun wanna, bleh."
Liz: weeps, "I'm trying to make MEMORIES here, assholes!" storms home on foot. *Fin*

...we had our annual review of the Christmas crazy last night. And WHOO BOY, it was a doozy. Since we moved house late last year, we had to find a new neighborhood to tour and, if I may say so, we found the best one in all the land.

See if you don't agree:

Um, excuse me? I think Christmas threw up on your house.

You can't really see much here, but each house on the street has a stanza from "Twas the Night Before Christmas"

I honestly wonder if agreeing to string lights between your house & your neighbor's is in the HOA agreement.

They were collecting money for the local homeless shelter. Josh just took a couple bucks for mad money. That's allowed, right?

Brrr, it's cold here in the fake North Pole!

LAKERS!

Yo, Baby Jesus, I'm really happy for you & I'ma let you finish, but last year's Santa Kneeling Before the Baby Jesus was the best Nativity of all time!

This house has a whole penguin thing going on. Magical!

Poor Santa can't get no respec'. First he's all hanging from the lights and people are just ignoring him like, "hey, it's not MY problem that Santa got wasted & tried to tightrope walk between houses."

And then Josh & Dash won't even let him dunk in peace.

It all worked out later, though. He had a little nap & then tore it up on the ones & twos.

Even the Jews own it in this neighborhood!

Of course they also had to be all topical with their liberal Jewish agenda! (I kid, I kid! I also have a liberal Jewish agenda! Ask how many briskets I'm making this year! THREE!)

Santa is the 99%!

Represent!

Bye Wakefield Winter Wonderland! You win at Christmas!

December 18, 2011

2011-12-19T12:32:00.001-08:00

Yes, shorts, bare feet and a water gun fight. Seriously.

Wait!

2011-12-16T14:40:00.000-08:00

Speaking of Made! Lookit what Dash made for his teacher for Christmas (in addition to the class gift and a gift card from our family):

An illustrated coffee cup! When I handed him the porcelain markers for this project I was 90% sure his teacher would end up with a mug full of zombie brains & illustrated farts. But instead he made Rapunzel, with accompanying lizard. I mean. I just can't with this.

(We used Porcelaine pens for and baked at 300 degrees for 35 minutes to make the mug washable. I read somewhere that if you preheated the mug with the oven & then also cooled it in there after baking that the illustration would be more wash resistant, so that's what I did. I have no idea if it will make any difference at all).

Made

2011-12-16T14:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I remember back to when I couldn't sew & I get a wee bit wistful. You see, when I couldn't sew, I wasn't inspired to make five storybook dolls, three Chewbaccas, four sock monkeys & an assload of doll clothes for Christmas giving and I had time for things like smiling and brushing my hair.

But then I look over my Flickr stream & feel all proud & braggy & realize it was all worth it (to me & hopefully the recipients, at least; I'm pretty sure Josh is about to chuck my sewing machine into the dumpster behind Home Depot).

I always want to give books to kids because I'm a pretentious old lady. But! Also because books shaped my entire childhood & the minute I found out I was knocked up I started making Amazon wish lists for "Dash Now" & "Dash of the Future" (no joke). But little kids (especially the ones who can't read) don't want your stupid books. They want toys, bitch. So this is my compromise.

Story book dolls! Here's Little Red. She goes to her new little Mama with a basket of felt treats & a beautifully illustrated retelling of the original story (delightfully gross!).

Here are some of her treats on the accompanying picnic blanket. Because if it's not worth overdoing then it's not worth doing at all.

Pippi Longstocking is one of my very favorite stories from childhood. I must have read each book ten times & constantly wished my poor mother away so I could turn our one-bedroom West Hollywood apartment into my own version of Villa Villekulla.

This Pippi comes accompanied by her pet monkey & a copy of the book illustrated by my favorite Lauren Child.

Monkey butt!

(All storybook dolls & dresses--less Red's cloak which I just kind of made up as I went along--are adapted from the super, seriously, incredibly awesome patterns available from Wee Wonderfuls here.)

I also made a Princess & the Pea doll with mattresses & pea & bed, but I forgot to take a picture. Dammit all to hell.

Another little Mama I know is getting a special American Girl doll from Santa this year (yeah, that's right, I have access to the Nice List. I know what's up at the Pole). She asked for Kanani (the Hawaiian doll) because her family will be vacationing there after the holidays (la-dee-dah), so I took it upon myself to help kit her out.

First I made her a bathing suit because duh. (All garments are being modeled on a borrowed doll I used for fittings).

Doll butt!

Then I made a coordinating sarong. Because seriously, you can't expect a doll to hit the beach without a cover up. Christ, what kind of animal are you?

And then, just a sweet little wrap dress so she can hit the clubs after her little Mama goes to sleep.

Ties in the back!

And last, I whipped up a little monogrammed tote for her keys & copies of Cosmo.

(The swimsuit & wrap dress patterns are from the most excellent Liberty Jane here. The sarong & tote were a collaboration between me & my Chardonnay).

OK, that's enough showing off for now. I may or may not be back later with more braggy posts about squishy crocheted baby blankets, hand made ornaments and more, different stuffed things.

Goals

2011-12-09T11:56:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again. The time I start thinking about goals and lists and resolutions. People always kind of groan about resolutions, don't they? Talking about broken ones and neglected ones. I guess I probably do a bit of that, too. But this year I'm starting to reassess what it means to me to make plans for the coming year.

Last year I wrote down four items:

1. Lose the last 15 lbs. I feel better than I have for years and years, but I want the number on the scale just a wee bit lower.

I didn't lose any weight. I may have gained some. I still want to lose 15 lbs. I still try. But it's not the most important thing. I'm ok. I'm better than ok, actually.

2. Participate in the Toy Society's toy drop.
I didn't do a toy drop. Not yet, anyway. It's on my to-do list, and I have every intention of getting it done in 2011. But, if for some reason it doesn't get done in the next month, I'll be ok with it. I gave in other ways this year, and I did make many, many toys for loved ones and loved ones once removed.

3. Less wine for me, less candy for Dash.
Nope, not this one, either. Turns out I really like wine and Dash really likes candy. He gets a couple of pieces of something sweet after dinner and I get a few glasses of wine. We're both healthy and happy and managing just fine. It was kind of a stupid resolution to begin with.

4. This. Shh. Don't talk about it. I'm scared. ["This" was to run a 5k]

Now this. This I did. I ran a 5k. And then I ran another. And then two more. I was never fast, and it was never pretty. But I ran four races in a year after never having run in my life. I learned to love the feeling of my legs under me. I learned to love talking to Josh about our times and our training routines. I even learned to love getting up at ungodly hours on race days and getting so nervous waiting for the start that I thought I'd puke.

So that's it. I threw a bunch of resolutions at the wall and one stuck. The important one. The one (unlikely as it seemed at the time) that really meant something to me.

So I'm not going to groan about broken resolutions or missed goals. I'm going to celebrate aiming high. I won't always hit my target. I'll likely fall short more than not. But I'm going to keep at it, and I'm going to keep writing it down and I'm going to enjoy trying and failing and seeing what sticks.

So, all that said, here are Liz Engel's goals for 2012:

1. Run a 10k. At least one.

2. Figure out a way to do movie night. Our backyard is too small in the new house, but we have a driveway and a garage & there's just got to be a way to do this on some scale.

3. Go camping again. At least once, more would be better.

4. Enter a jam in the Ventura County Fair.

5. Start reading Harry Potter with Dash.

Oh My God, the Tree

2011-12-06T15:41:00.000-08:00

We got our tree this weekend!

We hit up our favorite tree lot. (May be time to retire that shirt, yes?)

But this year we actually cut that shit down our own damn selves.

(Intermission!)

Here's the thing about cutting down your own tree: when you're in a forest of giant Christmas trees, it becomes impossible to gauge the size of the tree you select. (I wish this could be our Christmas picture. Hi Aunty & Tio!)

That's how we ended up with a tree so big that there isn't really room for anything else in our sitting room.

Can you tell how tall that tree is? It's crazy tall. Like, have to stand on the stairs to see the topper tall.

Speaking of tree toppers! Click the link & marvel at the nipples.

Or just let Josh point them out to you.

(Also, not sure why it looks like we live on the surface of the sun in these pics. May be related to my unyielding obsession with Instagram & refusal to use an actual camera any more).

Lit Up

2011-12-05T10:19:00.000-08:00

Josh has gone full Griswold.

Stay off the naughty list, son.

Andre the Elf

2011-12-01T11:19:00.000-08:00

I'm back, bitches.

Young Jedis

2011-11-30T10:15:00.000-08:00

Having a 5-year-old son & living in the deep suburbs has changed me in ways I never could have predicted. For example:

This is how the Engels spent the Friday after Thanksgiving.

In a THREE-HOUR Jedi training course.

Where Dash arrived with his own custom Jedi robe, made by me. And another one to give Roman. Because we had an extra one.

(After I stop laughing at myself, remind me to tell you about the time I got wasted with Marc Jacobs at the Sunset Marquis in Hollywood).

Another One Bites the Dust

2011-11-29T22:10:00.000-08:00

"Dear Tooth Fairy, May I please keep my tooth? Thank you, Dash Engel"

Wanna see a bloody tooth up close? Too bad!

(Spoiler alert, she let him keep the tooth).

With Thanks

2011-11-29T14:21:00.000-08:00

You know, it's weird. The happier I get, the harder it is to come up with what to say here during this season of Thanks. I mean, I am so, so filled with gratitude every day for our too-many-to-count gifts, that setting some aside for November seems false. So let's just look at pictures of another beautiful Thanksgiving where we were blessed with family, friends, good food & much cheer.

Dash has illustrated the Mayflower's passage for us. Because clearly he is an artistic genius.

And Pig would like to remind you to eat more of the other, other white meat.

I had a couple of minutes to step outside before the first guests arrived. We don't get much Fall foliage in the So Cal, but we appreciate what orange & yellow we can find.

Here's the table. Dash wrote out the place cards on paper leaves.

And Josh carved little pumpkins into candle holders.

Closeup!

The kids' table was set for Dash & his bestie, Ben. I tried to come up with fun activities for them (coloring, feather headbands, felt acorns), but mostly they just wanted to run around and beat each other with toy swords.

Apparently Dash got hold of the camera and took twenty picture of Cuddles all over the house. Christ he loves that tiger.

Um, honey? I think it's a little late for CPR on that thing.

(You'll notice that all of these pictures are from before the action. That's because we were all too busy eating & drinking & toasting & laughing to stop for pictures. Just exactly as it should be.)

(Well, ok, fine, here:

SQUEE!)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Teefus

2011-11-21T15:20:00.000-08:00

Well, after more than a month of watching & waiting, the little tooth finally bid Dash a fond farewell last night (with a little help from a piece of dental floss & a good yank by his Daddy.

Before

After

So last night the Tooth Fairy paid him a visit and left him two shiny dollar coins in exchange for the tooth.

I'm just hoping he doesn't ask what the Tooth Fairy is doing with all those baby teeth.

Stuffed

2011-11-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

I made some stuffed stuff. Stuff.

This dude is for when Dash loses that tooth that's been wobbling around in his mouth.

He has a backpack (of course he does).

Made from a fat quarter of the genius Sammy K's custom Spoonflower fabric.

Also! A corduroy Chewbacca for a certain boy twin who is turning one.

Made from Draw Pilgrim's awesome FREE pattern.

And a Princess Leia doll for the aforementioned twin's girly half.

Made without a pattern by moi.

Admirer

2011-11-02T09:20:00.001-07:00

Oh, it's on. Somebody hold my earrings.

This Was Halloween

2011-11-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

Aaaand, now it's November & I'm onto obsessing over Thanksgiving. But let's take a moment to review my most favorite Halloween yet, shall we?

The day started with a Halloween parade at Dash's school. Dash was a zombie ninja, his BFF Ethan was a pirate & Will was a tube of toothpaste. Because obvs, Will is the most awesome kid in the world, parented by the most awesome adults in the world. (Dash is now making this face in nearly every picture. I don't ask why.)

See?

Then there was a performance. You should have seen the concentration on their little faces while they were trying to remember the choreography.

And then it was time to return home & start the festivities in earnest.

Josh & I thought we had maybe gone a bit overboard on the yard decorations until we saw the PIRATE SHIP that the neighbors down the road built on their front lawn.

I'm pretty sure Josh took it as a challenge & I will be confronted with an actual gallows in the yard next year.

Did I mention that we had also carved pumpkins the day before? Here's Dash's that he carved all by his own self.

Here is is at the patch, a piece of straw in his mouth, staring wistfully into the distance and remembering his old life on the range.

Here's my Jack Skellington that doesn't really look anything like Jack Skellington.

And here's Josh's Perry the Platypus. Josh carved another pumpkin, too, but it looked better all lit up, so I resolved to take a picture after the sun went down. I bet you can guess how that went.

And then it was time to party. Josh was the Strong Man to my Bearded Lady. Sadly, this is the only (blurry) picture of us from the night.

Jordan & Prudence, adorbs per usual.

Mad Doctor Vinnie decapitating a chocolate rat. As one does.

This was my most favorite costume of the night--the one-armed girl from Soul Surfer! Genius!

Smartie Pants (get it? Get it? Those are Smarties! On his pants!) and Gypsy Bride. Get this: That is her actual wedding gown. That still fits her. Bitch.

I wouldn't trust that doctor if I were you, Uncle J.

Not pictured: About 70% of the guests, including nearly all of the children. Because I had to put down the camera to pick up the glass of wine. Priorities, people.

Wanna see the spread? OK!

Creepy & delicious witch finger cookies by Prudence & zombie hand brownies by moi.

I asked Josh to be in charge of the punch thinking he'd open a bottle of Hawaiian Punch & call it done, but he went all gourmet on me. Lemonade, orange juice, ginger ale, gummy worm ice cubes & an ice skull. We're nothing if not fancy.

I bought those pirate goblets for Dash's next birthday party before he changed his mind from pirate party to space party. So the adults got to drink wine out of them. Everybody wins!

Eyeball, anyone?

Pre-decapitated rat.

And so. Another Halloween bites the dust & all that's left to do is clear away the cobwebs and get started looking for a new way to make green bean casserole.

Vans

2011-10-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

First day of kindergarten, about two months ago:

Today:

That is all.

The Patch

2011-10-27T11:28:00.000-07:00

It's not really Fall until we head out to the pumpkin patch. This year we hit it during the week, so it was a bit quieter than years past, but still a lot of fun for Dutch & Roman (his brother from a different mother).

"We are the pumpkin kings!"

"But we still like a good choo-choo ride!"

The scarecrow contest is my favorite thing each year. The "Krow"dashians! Come on!

Some people take it more seriously than others.

And then others go completely off the rails. This this was welded and wrapped in vines. Awesome & startling.

If I were a crow I would stay the hell away from this thing.

I like a graveyard with a sense of humor.

ONLY FOUR MORE DAYS TILL HALLOWEEN! WEE!

Halloweenie

2011-10-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

Gettin' HYPED!

Last Weekend

2011-10-17T13:06:00.000-07:00

Oh nothing, just my third 5k. It was our hardest (and slowest) race yet, but Josh still managed to finish first in his age group & I finished third in mine. La la la, just another Saturday.

Oh, you wanna see our plaques? Well ok!

After the race we brushed most of the dirt off & headed out to dinner & a show. If by dinner & a show you mean Water Grill followed by Dudamel at the Phil.

Consider our bouches amused.

Is there anything classier than iPhone-ography at a fancy restaurant? I think not. (This was Josh's tuna. Look at that sear. Seriously, look at it.)

That's my salmon. Do you see that little splash of sunshine on the left? That's a polenta cake with a poached egg on top. I rubbed my entire head in that business.

Then it was on to the serious cultuh. There was a dude sitting next to Josh that was leaning forward & bobbing his head like he was at a Phish concert or something. His date's dress was so tiny it was shocking even by LA standards.

This man was wearing a kilt. Because his silver ponytail wasn't enough to establish his awesomeness in his own mind? He need to seal the deal with a kilt? Way to gild the lily, dude. (Also, a couple of rows ahead another dude was wearing a Chinese silk pajama top with trousers. He was the first to rise for the standing O.) (I love about the first 20 minutes of classical music & then I get a little antsy and start judging the people and outfits around me.) (In case you couldn't tell.)

Fin.

Nope

2011-10-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

First loose tooth. Not ready for this nonsense. Not one little bit. Gonna super-glue that fucker in there while Dash is asleep.

Yes, Crazy. No Way Around It.

2011-10-13T18:56:00.000-07:00

I can justify a lot of the crazy shit I do, but I have nothing to say in defense of my latest project. It's a dollhouse. A wizard's dollhouse. Where a wizard would live. No one in this (actual) house has any interest in it except for me. Because I am off the deep end.

Here are some (terrible, terrible) pics of my work in progress. There will be more. Yeah there will.

Here's his bedroom. I cut up an old robe I bought in Chinatown, but never really wore, for his bedding.

This is his attic room, adjacent to his bedroom. It'll be where he stores his art & unicorn horns & whatnot. (Also, William Morris wallpaper, aged with a damp rag & brown paint).

I found this picture of an insane rug online. I printed it onto iron-on paper & transferred it to muslin. I glued that onto felt (after cutting all the fringe), but I'm thinking I'll need to sew it down to keep it from curling.

This is the big distressed dragon rug I made for the attic.

This is the fossil room. So far, all we have is this triceratops & a skull mounted on the wall. More will come.

This is the Egypt room.

I made the mummy out of pipe cleaners & cheesecloth, and the sarcophagus from an unfinished coffin from Michael's.

The kitchen is the only room in the house that has a floor so far. It's vinyl made to look like stone.

The kitchen wallpaper is my favorite in the whole house.

The only thing that's done in the living room so far is the fireplace. I'm not 100% sold on it. I may refinish it again.

This is, so far, my favorite thing in the house. A ship!

Hello, I'm a ship. Awesome.

Oh, another (ghost) ship. Apparently painted by the wizard.

Here are a couple pieces of ephemera I've made up--map & newspaper homage to Harry Potter. Because there's no wizard house without a Harry Potter wink, yes?

I have about 20 of these teensy bottles made up, but this is the one I could find easily to photograph. Powdered unicorn horn, yo.

As any good wizard would, our dude has an extensive stock of wands on hand. (Made by me & Dash out of polymer clay).

The Blair Bitch Project

2011-10-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

Dash is on Fall break this week, so when our beloved friends the Stein-Greenes invited us to join them for a little camping, it was, to quote my husband, "on like a popular '80s era platforming arcade game."

Our campsite was called Sheep Creek. How many "up Sheep Creek" jokes do you think I was able to make in the space of two days? One billion. That's how many.

We got to camp in the late afternoon. Just in time to drink some wine and make some dinner (don't you stick your tongue out at me, Fire Face!)

Josh set up the tent right quick without any interference (some may call it assistance) from me.

And Dash & Roman started playing poker. (Kidding, it was Pai Gow.)

Josh & Jordan tried to look hard.

But then the kissing started in earnest.

And went on well into the night.

And here is Dash on his first night sleeping out of doors in the wilderness. Separated from bears & chipmunks & lions (right? lions live in the forest, yes?) and whatnot by only a thin sheet of nylon and his mother's terrifying snores.

In the morning we breakfasted on Nutella & bananas on whole wheat & French press coffee. Because we were camping, but we're not wild animals, yo.

Then it was time for fishing. Here are the boys' matching Transformers rods. Because obviously such a thing would exist.

Liz: Honey, make a fisherman face.

Josh: How's this?

Liz: Um. Sure.

Fucking cuties, Jiminy Christmas.

More cuties.

And then it was time to get down to fishing! Look at that casting technique!

Also!

Beauty shot.

That's my sad claw hand trying to figure out how to hold a rod. I gave up after a while & spent the rest of the afternoon trudging around the forest, drinking box wine from a plastic tumbler & collecting acorn caps.

You know, like you do.

At one point I looked up & saw this.

And then I said a silent prayer of gratitude that Michele Bachmann wasn't around in 1909, because I'm pretty sure this would all be a Wal-Mart by now if she had.

We didn't catch any fish, but I think Dash may have enjoyed himself anyway.

And then it was back to camp for more tender times between Jordan & Josh.

And ghost stories around the fire.

[not pictured: me almost getting into a fist-fight with a fellow camper about his disinclination to control his dogs. I may be having some anger issues that I'll need to address sooner rather than later]

Anyway, it was an amazing, beautiful trip & we're so, so grateful that the Stein-Greenes invited us to join them. Thank you, wonderful friends.

Also! Killed three items off my Life List:

Camping
Fishing--hey, I said 'go fishing,' I didn't say 'catch a fish'
Cure Fear of Heights--this one is a toughie. I'm definitely not cured, but the ride up & back was pretty hairy & I didn't freak. I think I'm finally at the place where I won't allow my phobia to prevent me from doing and seeing amazing things. So I'm calling it.

Wanna Come to a Halloween Party?

2011-09-30T16:20:00.000-07:00

So you get a box in the mail & you open it to see:

Hello! What’s this?

A poem? Contents? Contents of what?

Oh, nothing:

JUST A MONSTER KILLING KIT! SO YOU CAN KILL MONSTERS IF THEY TRY TO STOP YOU FROM COMING TO OUR PARTY.

Boom.

(Silver bullet made from polymer clay, spray painted silver; holy water is tap water with a little blue food color; vampire stake is balsa, carved with an Exacto & stained with watered down brown craft paint; match is a stick of wood dipped in red paint; mirror is from the mosaic section of the craft store. Everything is held in place with removable glue dots).

Major hat tip to Brooklyn Limestone for the inspiration!

Babybabybabybabybabybaby

2011-09-26T13:59:00.000-07:00

Have I ever mentioned that I like babies? Well I do. I really like babies. A lot. As in, I will eat your baby's face off if you give me a chance. You know what else I like? I like throwing a party. I will throw you a party right now if you want, just to prove it. C'mon. Ask me. I dare you.

ANYWAY. When this beautiful couple

did me the honor of letting me host their baby shower, I hopped to it.

Wanna see?

I decided on a (loose) Chinese theme right away. I loved the idea of bringing good luck, prosperity & fortune into the celebration. I painted those lanterns & scanned them into Photoshop, where I laid out all the text. I wanted Asian-inspired writing, but not the kitchy "fortune cookie" style. (I find that type kind of offensive, honestly.) I settled on Thuphap (free from Urban Fonts) & used it for almost all of the printed materials at the shower. (The little red characters in the corner say "boy").

I mailed the invitations in Chinese red envelopes that have the symbol (fu) for "luck" on them in gold.

Poor Josh strung up about a gazillion lanterns. Since we have vaulted ceilings, we strung kite string between the curtain rod & the stair banister, then hung the lanterns off those.

Action shot!

I also got some parasols & tied them to the stair spindles.

In Chinese culture the dragon is a symbol of power, & general awesomeness & bad-assery, so we had to have one of those.

Since we know our new little man is going to be the baddest ass of all. (Wanna know how I know? These are this parents)

(He is a kite who was hanging over the buffet, which for some reason I neglected to photograph).

The first game I settled on was "guess how many paper cranes are in the jar." (I know origami is technically a Japanese thing, but its origins are Chinese, so I called it good.) I had never made an origami anything before the shower, but I'm pretty sure I could make them in my sleep now.

These are the little slips I made up for people's guesses. (I made that ball by sticking cocktail umbrellas into a Styrofoam ball.)

Winner!

We also played Baby Pictionary (like regular Pictionary, but with clues like "breast feeding," & "humidifier.")

This is Wyatt, who is adorable as hell, but totally sucks at Pictionary.

Since we played in teams of five, & there were two rounds (so ten winners total) I couldn't really do super-fancy prizes, so I gave these little ceramic cranes in lucky red envelopes to the winners instead.

Josh downloaded hilarious songs that featured the word "babe" or "baby" & we played Name That Tune, Baby! If you want, you can download the sheet & song list from my Flickr by clicking the picture. The winner got an iTunes gift card.

Raise your hand if you like playing Name That Tune, Baby! Woot woot!

I also made a trivia sheet, but we didn't have time to play it. You can download it (& the answers) by clicking the pic.

For food we made my beloved peanut sesame noodles from Smitten Kitchen, veggie egg rolls, chicken lettuce wraps on wonton spoons, & this amazing green mango salad (also served on wonton spoons) that you should make tonight because it is the JAM.

I wanted custom fortune cookies, but I couldn't find a company that could accommodate the number of different fortunes I wanted. I eventually found a diy kit that came with empty cookies & little cello wrappers so I could make & insert my own fortunes.

I also made little vanilla-tangerine cupcakes to send home as favors. The best part was the candied orange peel I made from this recipe. (Or the ghost poop frosting. I can't decide).

Here they are, all stacked up in their mini take-out containers, next to the almond cookies I dipped in chocolate. Because there isn't a lily I won't gild.

I invented a cocktail. Isn't it all sweet & genteel looking? With those little cucumber slices floating around in there, all dainty-like? Well it is a wolf in sheep's clothing. That shit will fuck you up. Trust.

Here are the tables. I made the table toppers from Lisette fabric, & I sprinkled each table with the fortune cookies & Fortune Teller Fish. They're not exactly Chinese, but they're fun & the fit the color scheme.

The flowers were mostly tulips in take out boxes (I put jam jars filled with water into the containers, then stuck the tulips into those), tarted up with dragon picks & cocktail umbrellas.

***

Christ, have I gone on long enough already? One more picture, you say? Of the quilt that I made them (preferable blurry)? OK, fine, you don't have to cry about it. Here.

***

So, in conclusion, anyone have any ideas what I can do with 50 porcelain wonton spoons?

Recommendations From a Crazy Person

2011-09-17T07:19:00.000-07:00

[I honestly have no idea why I'm compelled to write this post, but I can't stop composing it in my head, so I'm just going to get it out. I have not been compensated by a single company or product in this post. I tell you that now because I hate when I read an entire post about how awesome something is & I get all excited & then I find out at the end that the blogger was just shilling.]

Orange Glo: I had never even heard of Orange Glo before we moved into our current house. I always just mopped our (laminate) floors with my go-to mixture of 1:1 vinegar & water. But when we moved, there was a half-used bottle left under the sink and I thought, what the hell? Dudes, it was a revelation. I don't know what this stuff it, but you wipe it on and it dries and your floors stay shiny and streak-free for, like three weeks. WEEKS. As opposed to the two-days-if-I-was-lucky-and-made-everyone-walk-around-in-socks-so-as-to-help-clean-the-floors I got from vinegar.

Barkeeper's Friend: When Dash was born I went a little off the rails on the whole "living green" thing. I got rid of all non-vinegar-based cleaning products & started--I shit you not (ha!)--using recycled toilet paper. But we still needed something to scour the sinks & toilets & I read that BKF (as it's known in the Engel house) was environmentally friendly, so I gave it a shot. And it turned out to be better than anything we had ever used. Better than Comet with bleach, better than Soft Scrub. Just better. Spots that we had given up on just kind of dissolved with this stuff. I used to only be able to get BKF at Target, but I'm seeing it at my regular market now, so it must be catching on.

Magic Erasers: I thought everyone knew about Magic Erasers, but I mentioned them to my boss the other day & she had no idea what they were. Seriously, if you haven't tried one of these, RUN to the market & pick up a pack. They're these little sponges with some sort of micro-abrasive in them (I actually use them with gloves because the abrasive bothers my skin, but I know I'm in the minority). You just wet them a bit and scrub out anything--scuff marks on walls & baseboards, burnt-on drips on the stove top, Sharpie on the floor (ahem). That shit really is magic.

Folex: This is a new-to-me product. I first read about it on Little Green Notebook here, but I didn't think I needed it. I had been having perfectly adequate success with Resolve for carpet spots, and the Deathwish Couch cushions just went into the washer. But then I started to notice that the cushion covers were coming out of the dryer kind of streaked, like some parts got clean, but others stayed grimy. You can imagine how well I took this turn of events. I tried one of those dry cleaning sponges (waste of money) and a bunch of other cleaners before I finally remembered Jenny's post about Folex. So, one trip to the market for a bottle of Folex and a scrubby brush, and all my problems have been solved. Seriously. Spray, scrub lightly, let dry, done. Also, works like a dream on carpet spots & you don't have to deal with rinsing or the revolting smell of Resolve.

CLR: We live in a notoriously hard-water area. It's shocking what happens to EVERY SINGLE THING THAT TOUCHES WATER in our house. The fact that our shower is entirely enclosed in glass was giving me the shakes. I could not figure out how to deal with the spots that were getting so bad you could hardly see through the glass. I tried everything: Kaboom (save your money), vinegar (ha), my beloved Magic Erasers, Scrubbing Bubbles, Comet. Everything. Nothing worked even a little. Until I saw a commercial late one night where they soaked a shower head in CLR and it came out all shiny and I was so crazed and desperate that I bought some. This stuff rivals Folex in its ability to exceed expectations. Seriously, you just spray it on & wipe it off and all your shit is glittery as unicorn farts.

Vinegar & Water: I would be remiss if I didn't mention my beloved solution of 1:1 vinegar & water in a spray bottle. We use it for everything that wasn't mentioned above--mirrors, tabletops, counters, sticky toys...the list is endless. It's cheap & green and really does work for 90% of what you need.

Dust Buster: I'm surprised about how few people I know with a Dust Buster. If we didn't have ours A: I'd be in an insane asylum from all the crumbs or B: I'd have to drag out the big vacuum cleaner at LEAST once a day (likely many, many more times than that). But with the little DB that just lives in a quiet little corner of the kitchen, I can keep on top of crumbs & cat hair & whatever else Dash drags into the house and only have to break out the big vacuum once a week. (SOMETIMES EVEN LESS THAN THAT. SHH).

And there you have it. We also use Tide for laundry & brush our teeth exclusively with Crest, but I have no idea if they're better or worse than anything else. I just buy them because my mom bought them. For hand washing dishes we use Mrs. Meyers Parsley because it smells like heaven and I think the bottles are cute. We haven't found a dishwasher detergent that we feel strongly about either way. We highly endorse clumping cat litter (with at least three cleanings daily) and Prozac for cats.

(If you thought this post was batshit crazy, wait until I tell you about the doll house I'm making. For myself.)

Touchdown

2011-09-16T14:55:00.000-07:00

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!

FUCK YEAH WE'RE READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL.

(this resulted in the game's--and Dash's--first touchdown. my Eastern-European ass was hollering like I was from Texas or something).

(AND THEN, my HUSBAND, who fronts like he's the NORMIE in this family, made THIS:

but then I framed it to hang on the wall, so maybe it's a push).

Cheer

2011-09-12T10:06:00.000-07:00

We gathered some friends together yesterday afternoon, on the 10th anniversary of that terrible day, to spread some hope & cheer.

Hand made stockings for the families who lost everything in this year's terrible tornado season. They won't change the world, but maybe a small corner will be a little brighter for it.

Thanks, as always, to Jade at Craft Hope for organizing & inspiring.

Calm

2011-09-09T11:23:00.000-07:00

Dash's tics had all but disappeared over the Summer. So much so that Josh & I had started patting each other on the back for getting him through such a difficult "phase."

Well. Then kindergarten began, and the tics got so out of hand that on day one we were pretty sure he'd hyperventilate. Things have calmed down considerably since then, but we're spending some extra time focusing on getting Dash to 1. feel more secure in his days & 2. be more mindful of his body and his breathing.

I've tried tackling the mindfulness by making him a mind jar (a jar full of water, a dash of glycerin and some glitter. when Dash is feeling particularly frantic, we shake up the jar and focus on the falling glitter until it's all at the bottom again. he seems to like it.)

Here's what Josh did to help him feel more secure during his days:

That's half of the shoelace and lock that Josh wore during his very first race. It goes into Dash's pocket every morning. If he starts to feel stressed or worried while they're apart, he can touch it for a bit of comfort.

This is the other half that Josh keeps with him. When he senses that Dash is needing him, he touches it to send some comfort Dash's way.

I mean. Right?

Softball!

2011-08-31T10:49:00.000-07:00

So, in the spirit of trying new things because why-the-fuck-not, I said yes when I was hit up to fill in on a co-ed softball team. Guys, it was my first ever game of softball. First. Ever.

Despite my two outs and squeaks of panic every time the ball came near me, we won. So I've decided to retire from the game in order to preserve my perfect record.

Mama's New Jam

2011-08-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

Block carving & printing! This shit is tight!

If you know me in real life, brace yourself some some more loving-hands-at-home Christmas prezzies.

2011-08-25T09:01:00.000-07:00

Aren't they cute when they're not trying to destroy you with their minds?

Weekending

2011-08-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

This weekend was the first in a long, long time that we didn't have any obligations except to ourselves. It was delicious. One of those weekends where you keep looking at one another and repeating, "best. day. ever."

On Saturday evening we met up with our beloved Stein-Greenes & hit up the Indiana Jones screening at the Outdoor Cinema Food Fest.

Dash had never seen it, so we commemorated the occasion with brand new hats & whips for him and his bestie, Roman.

Then he proceeded to make this face at me for 45 minutes because sometimes he's just an asshole. But THEN, people in the movie started shooting at each other (Dash: "This movie is AWESOME! I didn't know there were going to be guns!") and all was well in his world.

Then we each ate a 1/3 lb. food truck burger, chased them with Red Vines, m&m's, box wine and Skittles, and passed out on the grass.

And then my boob fell out of my dress and no one thought to mention it.

On Sunday, after a solo bike ride for Josh and a Dash-accompanied run for me, we headed out on our first family bike ride of the Summer. (If you would have told the Liz of ten years ago that her idea of a good time would be a run followed by a bike ride, she would have thrown her vodka tonic right in your face.)

But ride we did.

Eventually we made our way to the park and I burned my ass on the slide and Dash finally figured out how to propel himself forward on the swings (he can tie his shoes, ride a two-wheeler, hit a baseball, catch a football and perform advanced acts of Tae Kwon Do, but he could not for the life of him work out the whole swing thing.) Oh! Did I mention I got a new bike?

Hi.

After the ride we rewarded ourselves with dinner out and some fro yo. So, in conclusion:

Kindergarten

2011-08-17T13:01:00.000-07:00

And so this morning he jammed his wittew feetsies into his ittle Vans & headed out the door on his newest adventure.

Yeah, I did make a sign for him to hold in pictures. What's your point?

He got some of the nerves out with a few vigorous rounds of hopscotch.

Then the bell rang and he & his Maddie love lined up for class.

Josh & Doug had to be pried away from the door.

None of us cried (ok, I cried a little but I was wearing big sunglasses and no one saw). Mostly we were all proud and excited and ready for what comes next.

Step One

2011-08-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

You guys, I was fine. I was seriously fine about Dash starting kindergarten. He's been in daycare and preschool for years. He's had so many transitions, so many firsts. I was honestly unfazed.

Until yesterday, when I made my final back-to-school wardrobe purchase for him. A pair of checkered Vans--his first. I ordered him the exact same shoes that every kid in my elementary school wore growing up.

Seeing those white soles that I knew would soon be covered in his writing sent me straight back to 1976, and I finally remembered the difference between preschool and this: kindergarten is our first real step away from our parents. Kindergarten is where we learn how to learn. Where he'll engage in a world of his own, where he'll start to truly figure out who he is and what interests him.

I mean, I know I'll still be there with him, to steady his steps and encourage his growth. But when he looks to me, it won't be with the same open, expectant face I've come to know. He'll understand something about who he is and what he wants. About what he likes and how he feels.

It is, of course, the only thing a parent wants--for their children to take sure steps away from them. But, my God, it's hard to watch them go.

Dusk

2011-08-15T20:07:00.000-07:00

How old do you think I'll be before I'm no longer surprised by an 8pm setting sun at the end of Summer?

Learning

2011-08-03T12:05:00.001-07:00

Art class: took.

Boom.

Slumber

2011-08-01T14:08:00.000-07:00

Dash's cousins Sky & Autumn came to stay for the weekend. I don't know who enjoyed it more, the kids or me. Oh, who am I kidding? It was me.

Two pink mattresses and one green.

Two dollhouse pillows & one Batman.

Strawberries, Cap'n Crunch and root beer for breakfast.

Manis. (The red nails on the right are Dash's. Fuck you, gender limits.)

Pedis.

Forty

2011-07-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

So, I woke up Sunday morning and, click, I was forty. Just like that.

They say it's only a number, but no. It's a milestone. The halfway point (if you're lucky) of a long life. It's the door incontrovertibly closing on your youth.

I feel lots of things about being forty. I'm a little scared, a little weepy, incredibly uncomfortable with the sound of it. But also, I have big plans for this decade. I'm going to own this shit like it's my job. And to light a little fire under my ass I will start the way I always do, with a list.

A list of things I have, can do, know about, or am better at now that I'm 40.

1. I can sew:

I can make things for my friends and family; quilts and stuffies, small tokens of love that they'll have forever. Little things that I start planning late at night, things I imagine when I have a free moment. Things I lay out over weeks and then, on a quiet Saturday afternoon, I stitch together. Whatever pleasure the receivers of my little gifts feel at having them is just a small fraction of the pleasure I get from making them.

2. I can run:

(My second 5k! Day before 40 & I shaved 20 seconds per mile off my time. Boom.)

I finally, finally can use my legs for more than walking back and forth between the couch and refrigerator.

3. I am married to Josh:

I know I technically married Josh when I was in my thirties, but these last couple of years have reawakened in my heart and in my memory everything that I imagined marriage could be. He is my partner and my best friend. His is the last face I want to see before I close my eyes at night and the first I want to see when I open them again in the morning. He is the best father Dash could hope for and an inspiration for us both. At forty I feel, maybe more than I ever have, well and truly married.

4. Dash:

I mean. Dash. I would turn forty a hundred times over if it meant knowing Dash at five. Dash at five is the funniest, sweetest, weirdest, sweatiest, most beautiful creature imaginable. And I get to be his mom.

5. I cook:

I can cook! I mean, maybe I'm not great. Maybe I don't have an arsenal of amazing recipes at my disposal. But I can cook. I can make jams and I can host Thanksgiving dinner & make a brisket for Jennukah a week later. I can even make ice cream. From scratch.

6. I'm learning to draw:

One of Josh's many beautiful, amazing birthday gifts to me (along with a pair of Tiffany earrings, what what!) was art classes! I'm on week three and, Christ, it's embarrassing, but I'm learning and I'm trying and I'm not giving up.

7. I love where we live:

We made a very hard choice to move out of our home into a rented one. It was scary and I cried more than I think I ever had when we came to the realization that we had to say goodbye to home-ownership. But it was the right choice for us. It meant so many more options for our lives, so much more of everything else now that an unsustainable mortgage was off our shoulders.

And the actual house, oh the house! We love it here so, so much. Dash spends every moment he's home, until the sun goes down, playing in the quiet streets with his new friends from the neighborhood. We sit on the porch, drinking wine & playing Words With Friends, occasionally stopping to tie a water balloon or watch a skateboard trick. It's the kind of quiet, silly, unburdened life I wished for from the moment Dash was born.

8. I can make things with my hands:

I crochet blankets, for friends' babies and those babies who need but may not have a blanket of their own. I can embroider and silkscreen. I can even design my own fabric. I can fold origami and make pup tents. I finally, at forty, feel completely undaunted by almost any project someone might throw at me. Except learning to use the thermostat (see #3).

There are more (I can throw a party with 2 hours notice, I can choose the watermelon slice over the chocolate chip cookie, I can ride a bike and on and on), but I'll stop here.

OK, forty through forty-nine. Let's tear it up. You & me.

Nine

2011-07-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

Nine years on from the day we said, "I do," and he still...

Makes me laugh harder than I ever have. So hard I wheeze and once maybe pee'd a little.

Is my touchstone. My voice of reason. My compass.

Inspires me. To run, to parent, to be kinder, to try harder.

Is the hottest piece of ass I've seen in real life.

Is the best friend I've ever had.

Mr. Mister

2011-07-03T22:19:00.000-07:00

Do you think he knows how lucky he is?

That not everyone's papa will head to the hardware store in the middle of the hottest day of the year to gather supplies to build him a mister out of PVC pipe and love?

I bet he does.

Where We Live

2011-07-02T13:14:00.001-07:00

Spotted this on my run this morning.

It's one thing to own one of these for kitsch value. It's another thing entirely to have it signed.

Fuck yeah, America!

The River

2011-06-29T09:19:00.001-07:00

We went back to Russian River a couple of weeks ago & good goddamn, I love that place so hard.

This is what I did the whole way there & back. (Why yes, I am embroidering the tattoos on Heidi Kenny's tattoo dolls kit. And then I'm going to sew them up. And then I'm going to keep them. For myself.)

It's a seven-hour drive to the river from our house, and by hour three of "Are we there yet? How about now? Are we close? I'm bored. Are we there yet?" Josh & I have both sworn that we'll never go back.

But then we get to the cabin & throw down our bags & grandma Sonja hands us a glass of wine & we hop into the hammock & every shred of frustration leaves us & we remember why we came back.

(Dash is a kitty. Don't ask.)

And why we'll keep coming back, every Summer, for as long as we can.

On day two we ventured into town & stopped into Powell's Sweet Shop, where Dash's head promptly exploded.

He got some candy grillz. Also about one hundred other disgusting treats (among them: Toxic Slime soda, cola-flavored fizzy candies & ring pops).

And then we moved onto the more serious business of canoeing...

(Shortly after this, Dash abandoned ship & then Josh & I promptly tipped the canoe right over.)

...and splashing...

...and dipping...

...and skipping...

...and squinting meaningfully...

...and hugging...

...and kissing...

...and panting (seriously, what is that?)

In conclusion:

T-Ball

2011-06-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

Aw t-ball, smell ya next year.

Skate Punk

2011-06-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

Oy. Now look what we did:

This is 7:30 am on Saturday. In his Star Wars jammies.

Baby Steps

2011-06-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

One of my oldest goals has been to learn to paint. I've decided that I'm going to start with watercolor & I'm going to start this summer.

Last night I tried my hand at a portrait of Cuddles.

I'm giving it a solid B, if I may say so myself.

Pumping Out the Proverbial Jamz

2011-06-06T13:05:00.000-07:00

We're hitting up a rock-n-roll themed first birthday party next week (seriously, how awesome is that? How come it never occurred to me to throw a rocker party?) so I embellished one of Dash's shirts with a Ziggy Stardust freezer paper stencil & some gold fabric paint. It only 80% looks like Bowie, but whatevs. Close enough.

Then I made a plush guitar for the wee birthday boy. I couldn't find a tutorial online, so I just kinda winged it. Real musicians are probably groaning about my lack of knobs & whazzits, but it's squishy and looks kinda like a guitar (and Dash has demanded I make one for him, too) so I'm calling it good.

Kidspace

2011-06-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I was five, too.

Vacation (All I Ever Wanted)

2011-05-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

Hey! Guess where we went for our family vacation!

Oh. Right. I guess you can read the sign.

I think we only have a year or two left before Dash becomes too big for the Lizzeggo Lizzand.

Well, unless he grows up to be anything like Josh...

Who really, really still loves Legos.

(Zank you, I'll be heeh all zee week.)

Looks like he may.

I should probably address why Dash's face is half green. It's because he was cursed by a Gypsy. We had already paid for the hotel, so we decided to roll with our vacation anyway.

Dash took an opportunity to challenge himself a little.

He would not be deterred from trying to climb this thing.

And then he did!

High five, dude.

We actually went to Legoland twice, two days in a row. The first day we just did the park & the second day we went to the waterpark. That's why I'm all half naked in this pic.

This is about how we all felt at the end of day two.

Close up!

But then we went back to the hotel & photobombed each other...

...while dressed like Charles Lindbergh. I don't ask why anymore.

Then! Then on day three we hit up Sea World.

Why? Because we're the best parents ever. Also: suckers.

Oh! Oh! And I went up on the Skytower! That shit is 320 feet up & rotates! (This is significant because I've been trying to get over my fear of heights & I think I may have, so I keep testing myself.)

In conclusion.

The Blur

2011-05-23T19:22:00.001-07:00

Yeah, we named him right.

Run, Dummy!

2011-05-19T11:53:00.001-07:00

Ok. I almost can't believe it my own self, but I did it. I ran a 5k on Sunday. It wasn't pretty & it certainly wasn't fast, but I ran the whole way & I didn't stop and I can't wait to do it again.

If you would have told me six months ago that I'd run a 5k for any reason other than that I was being chased, I would have fallen over with laughter. I had literally never run a step in my life outside of elementary school P.E., and even then, I don't know if you could call what I was doing back then "running." Loping, maybe.

But I heard about Couch to 5k and people kept saying it was doable and Josh was so sweet and happy and encouraging when I voiced my hesitant interest, that I felt compelled to at least try. And I did. And I liked it.

We woke up at 5am on the day of the race to a cold, rainy day. Also, I had completely lost my voice. I wasn't actually sick yet (that would come later) but I couldn't really talk. By the time we got to Santa Monica, the rain had stopped and the day was turning out to be perfect. I still couldn't talk, but that seemed unimportant. I needed to focus mainly on being scared shitless.

I lost Josh almost immediately after the gun went off.

Dash spent the night with Aunty & Tio the night before the race and they all drove down to root us on in the morning. This pic is the moment I spotted them. I have to tell you, if someone you love is going to try to do something hard & you have a chance to show up for them, do it. After seeing their faces I honestly felt like I could have flown.

This is poor sadface Josh crossing the finish line, well ahead of me. He's not really in pain, he just always looks like that when he runs.

Here's me. I'm only smiling because it's finally over.

Josh and Dash are very cute.

And, at the end, we got t-shirts!

I'm never taking mine off.

Wheels

2011-05-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

Hello! Well, I did run a 5K, thanks for asking! But more importantly, our boy learned to ride a bike without training wheels in all of five minutes today! What the fuck? This is not my genes kicking in. Must be Josh.

Here's how it went:

Dash's friend, Emily: "why do you still have training wheels, Dash?"
Dash: "Mama, I would like to lose the training wheels."
Mama: "Daddy!!!!!!!!"
Daddy: "Here you go Dash."
Dash: "Lalalalala"
...And, scene.

Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

My beautiful boys took me back to my favorite spot at LACMA for Mother's Day this year.

We picnic'd with our beloved Aunty & Tio and Babkes family, and then we were even able to hit a few exhibits! Dash got to see his naked lady & the boys ran around the Richard Serra installation.

Can someone explain to me how this child grows at this pace when he doesn't eat food?

Mother's Day 2008

(2009? Bueller? Bueller?)

Mother's Day 2010

Mother's Day 2011

Thanks for a perfect day, boys. I'm the luckiest Mama in the world.

Strawberry Vanilla Jam

2011-04-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

I got a bangin' deal on vanilla beans, so I'm spreading them around like a drunken sailor.

Easter

2011-04-26T11:30:00.001-07:00

T-Ball

2011-04-25T13:19:00.000-07:00

We're living mostly out of doors these days. Dash has t-ball practice on Thursdays & games on Saturdays. When he's not on the field, he spends nearly every evening and weekend riding around the neighborhood on his scooter while Ma & Pa Kettle (us) sit on the front porch reading and kibbitzing with the neighbors.

I'm pretty sure this is what they had in mind when they made America.

Pay Attention

2011-04-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

I think I've mentioned before that I write here for Dash. I want him to have a record of himself--of our family--from before he can likely remember. I want him to feel, in his bones, the ferocity of our love for him. I want him to know, too, that he was kinda a prick sometimes, but so were we and mostly we laughed it off.

Today I was dicking around online and found this post on Mighty Girl, comprised of some commenters' favorite childhood memories. I have plenty of my own, of course--rolling down the hill at LACMA; Earl Gray tea and soft boiled eggs on sick days; food fights with my Dad at otherwise stuffy dinner parties--but more than anything, reading those memories reminded me of my main job with Dash.

I mean, yes, I need to educate him and guide him and grow him up good, but mainly, I think, I need to make him take notice.

Of the smell of wet asphalt after a Summer rain.

Of the taste of a warm strawberry, plucked from the ground and still slightly gritty.

Of the feeling in his little bones after he's run as far as he could, as fast as he could.

Of the therapeutic properties of bathing suit-clad baths with Mama after a long, long day playing.

Of the scent of rust he gives off when he's good and tired.

Of the sound of the three of us singing at the top of our lungs on long car rides.

Of the sense of panic, followed closely by exhilaration, when approaching a new kid in the neighborhood.

Of what it means to live a big life by living--really, really living--every little moment.

One of the commenters on the post wrote of her memory of watching her mother run--one of the last times before she became wheelchair bound. That one kinda killed me a little. It reminded me, again, of why I'm running. Of what it means to live in my body instead of fighting with it. Of showing my legs their purpose. Of not giving up on trying, because Dash is watching. And because I'm watching, too.

I ordered this digital image from Julian Bialowas ($3 and he sends you the high-res digital file to print however you like, yo!) and had it blown up to 36" x 48." It's hanging in the family room as a reminder for all of us (well, those of us who can read) to never stop.

Kumquat

2011-04-07T13:08:00.000-07:00

The exquisite Martha Plimpton & I made our first test batch of fair jam. Kumquat-Vanilla Bean marmalade. Josh said it was "refreshing & delightful." We'll see if the judges agree.

Next up, Pomegranate & Champagne jelly.

Messing with the 5-Year-Old

2011-04-01T06:57:00.000-07:00

Finally, FINALLY! The kid is old enough for me to fuck with him on April Fool's day.

Bought a bag of chips & promptly ate all of them.

Bought a bag of M&Ms & dumped half of it into the now-empty chips bag. Ate the other half.

Added some gummy worms to the chip bag, to add bulk.

Grabbed a handful of my favorite teensy tomatoes that are about the size of a peanut M&M.

Dumped them into the M&Ms bag.

Sealed everything back up with my lover, double stick tape.

Lunchbox locked & loaded. (Not pictured, PB&J sammich with a marshmallow tucked inside--that was a 6am brainstorm)

April Fool's Day, FTW!

Tangled Party

2011-03-25T11:03:00.000-07:00

So our sweet friends threw a Tangled theme party for their 5-year-old Maddie. Because I am me, I inserted myself into the gift bag situation. Here's what we did (not a lot of photos in this post, but I wanted to list the resources in case anyone was looking for non-Party-City Tangled ideas.)

I sewed up some muslin drawstring bags (like what I did for Dash's Harry Potter party). I used this iron-on image for the girls:

And this one for the boys:We made Shrinky Dink necklaces for the girls from this printable on the Disney site. We strung them from pink leather cords I found at the craft store, and mounted them on cardstock printed with this image:

For the boys, I sewed up some of Flynn Rider's arrows from this awesome tutorial (he used arrows to help him climb up the tower. You know, in case you forgot).

I made tags from this image, printed onto card stock:

All the kids got little pots of paint and mini canvases. I made tags for those with this image:

All the kids also got a rolled up "Wanted" poster to color.

And, finally, there were a ton of babies at the party, too. And each baby got one of these:

Get it? Cuz the pub in the movie was called the Snuggly Duckling. I freeballed the pattern, just kinda making it up as went along.

OK. The end. Holler if you have questions.

Update: I've received some requests for the Snuggly Duckling image, so I posted it below.

Uncomfortable

2011-03-23T12:04:00.000-07:00

I've always been a little bewildered by people who say, "do the thing that scares you." Seriously? The entire concept makes absolutely no sense to me. I mean, I get the concept of doing something despite the fact that it scares me (childbirth, that first crack of lobster shell) because I want the end result (horrible child who keeps calling me "chubby," sweet, sweet lobster meat). But the guy who's all, "hey! I'm scared of heights therefore gonna climb something!" Yeah, I'm not down with that guy.

BUT! I am just starting to come around to the idea of doing something that makes me uncomfortable, just to see if I can. Put myself out there. Why not? I'm almost forty, what do I have to lose?

So check it:

1. I'll be entering a jam in the Ventura County Fair this summer (been gathering up recipes to test and am super-excited to report back).

2. Running a 5k on May 15. Me. Running. (If you know me, you're laughing right now.) I'm on week three of Couch to 5K. I suck at it so, so bad. But I'm not giving up. It's on the life list, yo.

On Not Aging Gracefully

2011-03-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

Dashstronaut

Bluebirds of happiness

Nuestra Casa Es Su Casa

2011-03-21T22:08:00.000-07:00

House tour? No? Too bad:

Pig!

What is this room called? Sitting room? Living room? Waste of space?

That wall where the plates are hanging is curved & gave me hives trying to figure out what to do there. I'm pretty impressed with my solution.

Money shot.

This is a pin Josh bought me. I used to wear it on my peacoat, but the antlers kept snagging on everything. So I mounted it onto a piece of inky blue wool felt in an embroidery hoop. Art!

Hall of Shame

Jen bought us this porcelain gnome lamp as a housewarming gift. Is there anything better than having friends who really, really understand you?

I love this kitchen, but looking at this picture makes me feel about 70 years old. Is it weird that I have this many roosters?

Family room.

NORGE!

This is the crazy rose-papered guest bath. A normal person would just tear down the wallpaper & start over, but I have grown completely obsessed with it.

I wanted cheeseball Thomas Kinkade-style art in there, but I needed it to wink a little. I may own thirty seven ceramic roosters, but I'm not quite ready to embrace cottage paintings unironically. Probably soon, though.

Other side of the bathroom. I never realized there was such an abundance of robot-invasion-countryside-art.

This is Dash's room, my favorite in the house.

We got him a junior loft bed (not quite as high off the ground as a regular loft bed, but high enough to create a play space underneath.)

I sewed up some striped curtains that he can pull closed to make a secret fort when he feels the urge. Underneath, Josh strung up some Christmas lights that he put on a timer. They act as lighting for when he's under there, or as a nightlight at bedtime.

The costume rack.

I made these valances from a vintage Peter Pan sheet I bought from Etsy a year ago. It's totally '80s cheese, but Dash and I agree that it's totally tubular.

Dash's crapper, featuring the world's most hilarious shower curtain.

Here's our bedroom that looks almost identical to our old bedroom.

Here's our shower. Let me know if you want to come over and just rub your butt all over the tile. I totally get it. Not pictured: spa tub. Sorry.

Fin.

Really?

2011-03-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

Really, Josh? When you're married to Liz Engel, the world's most enthusiastic party-thrower, you thought all you'd get for your 40th was a fist bump and a steak dinner?

Well fuck that noise.

What he got for his massive accomplishment of surviving--intact--40 years, was a bangin' surprise party at The Stand. All of our very best friends and their kids came out, hid in the bushes and scared the ever-loving shit out of sweet Josh when they jumped out, yelling "surprise!" And then we all raised a dog in his honor, because he deserves it. Because he is made of awesome. Because he is one of the greatest husbands, fathers, humans to walk the Earth.

Here are the only four pics taken that night (all swiped from friends' Facebooks & cell phones. Because I can throw a surprise party for 30 without spilling the beans, but I can't remember to take out the camera even one time at said party.)

Josh & his oldest friends, known since middle school.

Us. (Oh, did I mention that earlier in the day we got all tatted up? Deets tomorrow).

Here he's either blowing out his candles or moving in to kiss Doug. Either scenario is perfectly reasonable.

I love how surprised he looks here. Like, "Tattoo!? Who? Me?!"

Tri Tri

2011-03-09T12:07:00.000-08:00

Check it, the old man found two additional lunatics to do a triathlon with him!

Here's the brand-spanking-new 40-year-old. (They write your age on your calf. Mostly so that when I'm sitting at the sidelines eating Girl Scout cookies and watching 68-year-old men run past me I can feel extra ashamed).

Here's lunatic number two, Doug Odom. (Hey, here's a funny story! When we found our new house & were driving away after signing all the paperwork, we realized that our great-good-friends the Odoms lived just a block away! Now we're neighbors! It's awesome.) Anyway, this was Doug's first triathlon & he finished in 1 hour, 29 minutes. So Josh is no longer speaking to him. I kid, I kid.

And, finally, lunatic number three, Cathy. Cathy is the mother of one of my top 10 favorite humans, Ava. Ava is 5 going on 27. She is made entirely of awesome (as is her mom, of course).

Anyways, y'all know the drill. There was some of this (Josh is the hot one in the white cap).

Some of this. (That's Josh's new bike, Pettzetina, that he got for Christmas for being a good boy all year long. Isn't she purty?)

And some of this. Ugh, my lungs ache just thinking about it.

The kids made signs to root on the athletes. (Dash's pet name for Josh is Zaza. I know.)

Here they are all together. The two on the left are Doug & Lisa's kids, Colin & Maddie. I die. The one on the right is their niece. Right?

Here he is after crossing the finish. I kid, but seriously, I couldn't be prouder of Josh. I can't even imagine what it must be like to do this THREE TIMES!

And, because running this particular triathlon seems to be turning into a tradition, we all had dinner again at the Hog's Breath, to celebrate the athletes & Josh's birthday. Did I mention he's FORTY?

40

2011-03-04T07:45:00.000-08:00

Ooooh shit! Look who turned 40!

And now, just to shame us all, he's gonna run a triathlon (his 3rd) tomorrow.

Happy birthday, Silver Fox. You are the wind beneath our wings.

Cudd-ohs

2011-03-01T20:30:00.000-08:00

Listen, we moved house & I'm gonna get to it. But in the meantime, here:

This is Cuddles. He came to us as a gift when we adopted a tiger through the World Wildlife Fund.

Dash has always been an animal lover, but his affinity for tigers (stuffed and otherwise) is uncanny.

Sweep the Leg

2011-02-18T14:21:00.000-08:00

Dash has been in Tae Kwon Do for about a year now (well, I guess at first he was in tumbling, but at the same studio and with the same focus on discipline and respect) and, dudes, he just passed his first belt test! Check it:

This was the final step in the test:

Breaking wood. With his bare hands.

I think even Master Shin was a little surprised that he did it on his first try. I know Dash was.

Here he is at the ceremony to receive his yellow belt.

"I am cute but I can kick your ass."

Here they are bowing to their previous belts. I am really in love with how huge a role respect plays at the studio.

Graduates with Master Shin.

At first I wasn't 100% on board with starting Dash in Martial Arts at such a young age. I worried that he'd spend his days trying to kick me & Josh & the kittens to death. I had visions of "HI-YA"s at all hours of the day and night. But you know, I couldn't have been more wrong. Tae Kwon Do has been mostly about defending yourself (a lot of time is spent on how to get away from bullies and/or adults who try to hurt you, and how to tell the difference between a bully and an asshole) and discipline and respect.

For an anxious child like Dash, who frequently panics when I move more than five feet away from him at the grocery store, it's been a God-send. All we have to do now, when he's scared to be alone in him room at night, is remind him that he knows Tae Kwon Do. That he broke wood with his bare hands.

And all I have to do, when I panic if he wants to ride his scooter in front of the house for a few minutes unsupervised (what? you think anxiety isn't hereditary?), is remind myself that he knows what to do if someone tries to snatch him up (break their fucking nose and run and scream like hell, fyi).

That right there is worth the price of admission alone.

Wizards: Made

2011-01-23T12:08:00.000-08:00

OK! Harry Potter birthday party complete! Guys, it was so, so awesome.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, we didn't have the party at home. I discovered an amazing place in LA called Whimsic Alley that's designed to look like Diagon Alley and features a great hall for private parties in the back. This place is, seriously friends, the shit.

Here are my little owls all lined up, waiting for their new wizards.

Each owl got a name and was assigned to a little person (child, not person of small stature). It's not that easy to come up with 16 owl names, in case you're curious. I am proud to say there were no repeats. Wow, I am a serious nerd.

Here are all the young students lined up to be sorted. Rather than using a Sorting Hat, each kid selected a stone from the wizard instructor's pouch. The color of the stone determined the kid's house & they were assigned a robe and table.

Dash, you'll be shocked to hear, was Gryffindor. (Well, actually, I guess, "Naysayer." They renamed all the houses to avoid copyright issues. But the kids can't read, so we just called them the real names the whole time. Up yours, Warner Bros.)

The first lesson of the day was wand-making. The instructors passed out dowels, supplied the kids with markers, glue, gems & pipe cleaners & they went to town. Each guest got to keep the wand they made.

Stand off!

After breaking for lunch (hey, Wizards gotta eat, too!) we moved on to potion-making class. Each kid got a plastic vial and they were supplied with all sorts of colored syrups, gummy candies, powders and sprinkles which they combined into unique concoctions.

Here's Dash's.

This may have been my favorite part of the day. When it was time for cake, the kids were instructed to hold up their wands and cast a darkness spell by shouting "Nox!" After the cake came out and the candles were blown out, they lit the hall back up by shouting "Lumos!" You guys, they really, really believed they did it. I wish you could have seen their faces when the lights went out and then came back on. One way or another, it was magic.

Here's the cake. It's based on the cake Hagrid made for Harry's birthday.

We thought the candles were the kind that keep re-lighting. Turns out the kid was just too far away when he was blowing. [Ring, ring. Hello? Mensa! Hi! Oh, wrong number. Ok. Bye.]

Turning the lights back on.

After the cake, the kids got to play some games. First, a version of musical chairs or hot potato or something where you didn't want to be caught holding some puffy pink thing when the music stopped? I dunno, I wasn't paying attention for that one. Dash won. (I call rigged).

THEN! Best drinking game ever (unless you're five, then it's just a game, game. Don't call child services). Put a pretzel on your forehead, then, with your hands behind your back, try to get it into your mouth. I made them let me play. Yes, yes I did.

The last game of the day was "guess the flavor of the Every Flavored Bean." Poor kids. Sweet Maya got "centipede" and thought she had eaten an actual centipede. There were tears. Most of the kids had no idea what flavors they got, so I went around smelling their breath & trying to guess. I'll tell you this much: I never need to smell another moldy cheese-flavored jelly bean ever again.

Young wizards, freshly-minted.

And then, just as suddenly as it had started, our adventure ended. We headed back to Platform 9 3/4 and returned to the world of the Muggles.

In conclusion:

Fuck Yeah Dance Party!

2011-01-19T21:25:00.001-08:00

Just another Wednesday night at the Engels'

One, Two, Three, Four

2011-01-17T13:51:00.001-08:00

Five.

Little Dash,

Five years ago today the world became a slightly happier place. The sun shone a little brighter. The net volume of optimism on the planet increased a bit.

Five years ago today you graced us with your beaming presence. I know every parent thinks that the sun rises and sets on their babies, but in our case it's actually true.

You are the sweetest, funniest, warmest, kindest and (obvs) most handsome little man we could have imagined. When your father & I spent those difficult years trying to conceive you, we would often daydream about what it would be like to welcome a third person into our family. Not in a million years could we have guessed it would be as good as it is. The worst day of being your parents is better than the best day before we knew you.

Happy, happy birthday little man. We love you with the heat of a thousand suns. Here's to a hundred more birthdays.

Now pick up your pajamas and put them in your hamper. How many god-damned times do we have to tell you?

Love,

Mama & Zaz

Sledding

2011-01-08T18:22:00.000-08:00

We took a ride up the mountain with 20 of our closest for some hardcore sledding!

The Snow-Engels (Get it?! like Angels. But Engels. Right? Right?)

Dash and his best friend Xander are a couple of serious bad-asses.

Hi. I'm adorable. Take me home?

Hott husband

Elegant wife

Mommy race. (Dudes. I totally won but no one agrees.)

Daddy race.

(Also the disputed winner. I say it's because we're Jews.)

Snow squirrels.

The end. Biggest fun ever! I love Winter so hard.

The Making of Wizards

2011-01-06T06:43:00.000-08:00

We're rocking a Harry Potter birthday this year for young Dash (he'll be 5. FIVE. hold me.) This will be the first time that we don't have the party at home--I just couldn't face it this year. I think I went a little over the top with all the holiday entertaining the last couple of months and am still nursing a party hangover.

That said, I am insane with glee over the venue for the party. I'll share more on the day of (next Saturday). In the meanwhile, here's a bit of what's been apparating around the Engel house lately.

(I'm about to go full nerd. Be warned.)

Each guest received a parchment letter by owl post from Hogwarts.

The letters advised the young witches & wizards that they had been accepted to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry.

Because some of our young guests aren't yet learned in the ways of magic transport, we also provided directions for Muggles.

I think we've established by now that I'm favor-bag-obsessed. AND, since I'm not throwing the party at home, I felt entitled to go a little off the rails on these. I sewed up some little (6" x 8") drawstring pouches out of some muslin I had in my stash. Then I printed the Hogwarts logo onto transfer paper & ironed it onto each baggie.

I wanted to buy chocolate frogs for each bag, but do you know how much chocolate frogs cost? $3.99. Each. I mean. That's just offensive to me. I don't think I'm a cheap person, but for 15 kids that would have been more than $60 after tax & shipping. FOR CANDY FROGS. So, here's what I did instead. I bought a $2 candy mold and some lovely chocolate from Trader Joe's and I made my own. So there.

I also made fake bags of Every Flavor Beans out of regular Jelly Bellies, mostly because I didn't want to torture the kids with actual vomit-flavored candy.

The scar tattoos are about the size of a stamp and didn't come packaged in anything. Because I didn't want them to get lost or destroyed in the bags, I printed out a picture of glasses onto card stock, added the description in the Harry Potter font & tucked everything into a teensy baggie from the craft store.

And then (because once I had the idea I couldn't not do it) this:

(this is before I finished hand stitching the bottoms)

Because every little witch and wizard needs their very own owl.

And, once they're done learning how to make wands & potions and have turned all of the adults into frogs, each guest will receive one of these. Suitable for framing, yo!

OK, I'll post more from the party next weekend! In the meantime, if you want any of the sources, materials, patterns, details etc., leave a comment & I'll do what I can.

Snow!

2011-01-03T12:28:00.000-08:00

So, here's something that has never happened in my entire life in LA:

Snow! In our backyard!

Homie the Gnomie was all, "wha whaaa?"

This little homie spent some time catching snowflakes on his tongue.

And hucking snowballs at his parents as hard as he could.

In conclusion:

Resolute

2011-01-01T17:32:00.000-08:00

I didn't manage everything from my list last year, but I did well enough to feel pretty good about it.

This year I'm going less specific with my goals. I mean, there are things I'd like to do (berry picking, jamming, gardening, baking, crochet, etc.) but these things are more traditions now than goals, so I don't feel any need to write them down.

I would love to learn to knit (though I'm not trying anything new until poor Josh finally gets the afghan I've been working on for nearly a year) and I've still never been camping. But I feel like those things will happen when they ought to. No big urgent need to write that down, either.

This year we'll likely move to a new house. My best friend is getting married. Dash is starting kindergarten. That's plenty to keep me tired.

But, because this is me, I do have a couple things to note:

1. Lose the last 15 lbs. I feel better than I have for years and years, but I want the number on the scale just a wee bit lower.

2. Participate in the Toy Society's toy drop.

3. Less wine for me, less candy for Dash.

4. This. Shh. Don't talk about it. I'm scared.

Happy 2011, world. Be kind.

The Night Before the Night Before

2010-12-31T11:30:00.000-08:00

We'll officially say goodbye to 2010 tonight, with good friends, over filet mignon & Martha's (Stewart, not Plimpton) mac & cheese.

Last night was our quiet goodbye. A fire burning, glittery paper chains tarting up the joint, the three of us eating spaghetti in front of the tv.

I dunno. I know this year sucked balls. Sucked them so, so hard for so many people. The better part of it sucked for us, too. But really, I kind of loved this year. It was hard and awful but I feel like we should get some kind of medal for getting through it. I think we'll remember 2010 as the year of not giving up. On ourselves, each other, the universe.

Now get in here 2011 and rub our shoulders. We deserve it.

Fin

2010-12-31T11:16:00.000-08:00

OK, two last things in re: Christmas 2010.

In addition to the many other wonderful things I got this year, I got this gorgeous girl. I have named her Martha Plimpton, which Josh thinks is just insane. He is wrong. Martha Plimpton is the absolutely perfect name for my little blue beauty. I left her on the stove the first couple of days & would just stroke her lid each time I passed by. I've never had an enameled iron pot and I'm over the moon at the possibilities here. Bread, soups, stews, chilis. Life will finally be perfect. Finally. Here she is making the first of her lifetime of meals. Boeuf bourguignon. It was spectacular. Like you didn't know that already.

Also, here:

Right?

OK, next stop: Harry Potter Birthday insanity. Brace yourselves. It's gonna get nuts.

The Naughty List May be a Myth

2010-12-31T00:19:00.000-08:00

Otherwise, how do you explain the MOUNTAIN of stuff Dash got for Christmas this year? (Just kidding, Dash of the future who may be reading this. You were & remain a delight every moment of every day).

Ahem.

Our first order of business on Christmas morning (which came at the unexpectedly civilized hour of 7:30am. We were honestly expecting him to come screeching in at 5am) was to check to make sure that Santa and the reindeer were adequately fed. They were. And the reindeer even left us a dusting of glitter as a thank you for Dash.

Then it was on to the much more serious business of "WHAT DID SANTA BRING ME!?" Indiana Jones whip. Santa is crazy.

Cowboy boots!

The wink makes it extra tough.

The hat brings it all the way over to badass territory.

Guess what gift elicited this beaming face! Go on, guess!

FUCKING BOW & ARROW, BITCHES! Santa is seriously nutso. I hope he also got Mama & Papa a little extra homeowner's insurance to go with it.

Scared? Me, too.

Daddy demonstrates (please to note the position of the arrow in relation to the bow). In all fairness, this was after the first one went straight over the fence into the neighbor's yard.

Made. Of. Awesome.

When your husband likes Star Wars & makes a bangin' pancake, you can expect about 4 of these pancake molds per gift-giving occasion.

I only made one thing for Dash this year. I made about 100 things for other people's children (children who enjoy and appreciate the things I make for them. Unlike some people we know.) but Dash just got this snake. And he freaking LOVES the shit of of it! Win for Mommy!

I have no comment about the level of awesome here.

There were other lovely, appreciated gifts--a pogo stick, marble run, fingerprint picture kit & 3-d drawing pad. Lots of books...you feel me. But mainly, most importantly, there was this:

Hope yours was as magical as ours. Blessings for us all this holiday season and beyond.

The Night Before Christmas

2010-12-30T16:12:00.000-08:00

The tree was loaded down with gifts (less those from Santa, natch).

Mama got a ridiculous pedicure.

We had a Jew moment & ate Chinese food for dinner. Josh was particularly hungry.

Presented Dash with his new footie jams.

Opened one gift each (I got the new David Sedaris & Josh got a book of funny anecdotes about biking. Yeah, I know, we're a non-stop party).

And put out the grub for Santa & reindeer.

Next stop: Christmas Crazytown!

Merry Happy

2010-12-24T18:51:00.000-08:00

Jenukkah 2010

2010-12-21T06:11:00.000-08:00

Jenukkah (our beloved Jen's birthday/Hanukkah dinner mash-up) is quickly becoming my favorite holiday.

Ina Garten says that having people sit elbow to elbow at an almost-too-small table is the best way to throw a dinner party. Ina is, as usual, right.

Each place setting got a little handmade bird. Because if you're going to make ten why not just make twenty? It's not like I had anything else to do.

We did a little gift station so everyone could choose what treats they wanted to take home. I made limoncello; Kahlua (or coffee-flavored hooch, as the labels read); tangerine, rosemary & smoked paprika finishing salts and cayenne & sea salt fudge.

Even though it's Jen's birthday...

...Dash always scores a pretty impressive haul. Star Wars pjs from Aunty & Tio, Captain Rex helmet from Jen & Tom and (not pictured) digital camera from Justine & Mugsy. Nice.

Here are Mugsy & Dash discussing the intricacies of the season.

Awesome.

And then: Rock Band. Because. Just because.

These are the Days

2010-12-20T11:55:00.000-08:00

Ham

2010-12-18T10:19:00.000-08:00

Glitter

2010-12-15T06:55:00.000-08:00

Like mother, like son.

Dear Santa

2010-12-14T12:40:00.000-08:00

"Dear Santa, Please bring me a bow and arrow and an Angels uniform. Thank you. Love, Dash"

"Santa Claus, North Pole"

Flag up to alert the mailman.

OK, Santa. Your move.

Andre 2010

2010-12-13T13:24:00.000-08:00

Hey! Look who came back this year! It's Andre! Hi Andre!

The Tour

2010-12-13T11:51:00.000-08:00

We took our annual tour of the Christmas crazy this year and it did not disappoint.

How awesome would it be to live on this street? You turn onto it after a long day at work and you're just instantly transported.

Until you get your power bill...

It's like Studio 54 in suburbia.

These reindeer signs kill me (a lot of the houses have them, I think one of the neighbors makes them). Their pupils are asterisky-type stars and their tongues are hanging out, so they all look dead.

These snowmen are animated and play music, and Dash never fails to bust a move when they start up. Also, he's wearing a helmet because he was riding his scooter. Just wanted to mention that. In case you thought maybe we were going all-helmet-all-the-time.

Last year this sign was about Tiger Woods. This family is super-engaged in celebrity sex scandals.

I love that it's December 12 & we're dressed like it's July.

Come. On.

Daddy's photobombing Rudolph. Like the poor kid doesn't have enough problems, with that giant freaking red nose.

This thing just kills me. Santa kneeling before Baby Jesus. I mean. I just. I don't even know what to say here. This year the boys decided to openly mock it.

Trespassing to make fun of Santa & Baby Jesus. Yes, yes we did.

And then we got goosed by Santa!

And finally, I leave you with the reason for the season: So that you might install an illuminated snowman taking a piss off your roof.

We Brought a Tree Indoors

2010-12-07T13:37:00.000-08:00

Ha ha! We're pretending that we cut down our own tree! Dude, we didn't even strap that shit to our own car. That's what college kids who make $6/hour plus tips are for.

The best part of this picture is that Dash didn't know what I was doing & I didn't know what Josh was doing until after we looked at the pictures later that night.

Josh & Erick are tuff!

OK, maybe slightly less tuff than I thought. As an aside, how sad are you that you're not married to Josh Engel? Seriously. I'll bet you're pretty sad.

Hi tree! Have fun fending off two fat kittens for the next four weeks! Also, there's the "be good" sign again! It's like Dash's personal signal to start behaving as badly as possible, just to see how much he can get away with.

While Josh was putting up the finishing touches, Dash & Erick started playing the most disgusting game of Memory ever. Whenever a player got a match, the other player had to eat an Every Flavored Bean. Flavors included centipede, baby wipes, toothpaste, vomit & cat food.

Sparkly!

Also sparkly!

The annual gingerbread house.

Crazy lady Christmas village. K-JOY (radio station, top right) stopped working. I think that entitles me to a new building. Josh disagrees.

Token Jewy thing.

So this is new. About 87 times a day Dash hunches over slightly, puckers his lips a bit, opens his eyes wide & asks, "am I cute, Mama?" And then I beat him to within an inch of his life because yes, Dash, you are cute. You are cute as fuck.

Yep. Still cute.

The end.

Those People

2010-12-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

"Those people" is us.

Eight Pounds Later

2010-11-28T10:19:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving table, before.

Don't they look healthy? How about when you smother them in a mushroom, garlic, butter & heavy cream sauce? Less so?

This is the basting liquid for the turkey. Three sticks of butter & a bottle of white wine. Every 30 minutes.

Hello stuffing made from cornbread (stale, baked 3 days earlier & left on the counter to harden up), sausage with sage, eggs, butter, onion & celery.

Green bean action shot PLUS carrots sauteed in butter & brown sugar & finished off with some heavy cream. My mother in law made the sweet potatoes. I can't say for certain what was in them, but I know the topping alone had an entire stick of butter melted into it.

Josh makes a mean-ass turkey.

Every year I make my homemade cranberries with orange juice & zest. And every year my dad insists on cranberries from a can (with ridges, please).

Here are my dad & stepmom being cute.

Dash with Josh's folks. I am all about Grandpa John's haircut.

And this is how the night ended. Right? Right.