House Rules

It’s been brought to The Management’s attention that several important house rules have been recently broken. In order to avoid future uncertainty and aggravation, we hereby set out our policy, along with the penalty for each transgression. We hope this will allow us to continue living collectively as a peaceful and civilized society.

1. Disinfectant wipes and their containers are used solely for the purpose of cleaning and/or disinfecting surfaces. They are not to house poop or any poop-related materials. The introduction of poop into the disinfectant container cancels wholly its disinfectant qualities and renders it and its contents useless.

1a. Rooting around in the Diaper Genie for poops is also highly discouraged and frowned upon by Management.

Consequence: Wipes containers will be removed from the Offender’s reach. Offender will no longer be permitted to open and close the lid in order to hear the satisfying “click.”

2. Wild halibut, purchased at $23/lb and prepared with love by the Proprietor, is not to be thrown on the floor for the cats to consume [Cats’ petition to nullify rule 2 has been received and is scheduled for a vote at the next assembly]. Items deemed unfit for consumption may be ignored or hidden under napkins.

Consequence: More halibut for dinner.

3. Sleep begins at 8:30pm and ends at 6am every day. Exceptions will be considered, in advance, and on a case by case basis. Awakenings beginning at 1am and ending at 4am will on no account be approved.

Consequence: Every instance of an unauthorized awakening will deduct $20 (twenty US dollars) from Offender’s first car fund. Long term awakenings--consisting of more than two (2) hours of lost sleep for the Proprietor—will result in a $30 (thirty US dollars) deduction. Because the amount of the first car fund has not been publicly established, this is an especially risky matter. $20 could mean very little to the bottom line. Could mean quite a bit. Does Offender feel lucky?

4. A minimum of one (1) hour must pass between a diaper change and a poop. The recent increase in frequency of routine diaper changes followed immediately by poops is unacceptable to Management.

Consequence: Nobody hates diaper changes more than Offender, so, you know, stop it.

5. Offender has recently learned to lean in for kisses. Management would like an increased occurence of that behavior.

Consequence: Offender will continue to get whatever he wants whenever he wants it.