Tuesday, December 29, 2009

What We Did on Our Christmas Vacation

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This is about all you need to know about Christmas Eve & Christmas Day (Dear Santa, I'm very sorry, Love Dash)

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Then! Despite everything! We let him accompany us on our trip to Oregon!

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How goes your first ever airplane ride, Dash?

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Oregon is so, so pretty. I'd kill myself if I had to spend an entire winter there.

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We went to visit my Dad & Stepmom. Dash has only seen them a few times, but the love between them is big and runs deep.

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Possibly because they let him cheat at checkers.

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Here's the quilt I made for my Dad for his 70th birthday (which falls on Christmas Eve--2 for 1, yo!). Dash drew some pictures (that one is him in the middle with the kittens on either side)
that I traced onto fabric & then embroidered.

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Action shot!

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Dear Toy Designer Who Decided Not to Include an On/Off Switch on the Ceaselessly Whooshing Harry Potter Wand: Fuck you.

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This is the picture we will include in our "congratulations" ad in Dash's senior yearbook.

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Hope you had a very Merry Christmas. With love, Us

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


After my last post (which is so embarrassing and I want to take it down so bad, but I won't because it's part of our story, too) a beautiful friend reached out to remind me that the very best parenting (and life) philosophy is as follows:

Fuck it. Let's laugh.

And so it is. And so I declare 2010 The Year of Fucking it and Laughing.

I probably won't be back here until after the 25th, so I wish all of you and yours a very Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 21, 2009


I wrote this little bit of melodrama a few days ago & promptly tucked it away in "drafts."
About two weeks ago I woke up from a sleep that started four years ago. Four years ago I fell into motherhood and forgot that I was ever anything else. I became consumed with parenting, and, by extension, wife-ing. I spent every minute of every day trying to manage the lives of our home’s inhabitants. Trying to keep them fed, clothed, amused. Trying to manage the finances and the social calendar. Trying to establish family traditions and make every piece of detritus into an heirloom. Trying to be the perfect mother and wife and daughter and daughter-in-law. I haven’t stopped trying for four years. I am tired.

And, amidst all that straining to become something new, I lost completely who I already was. Just dissolved into Dash’s life. And Josh’s. Then, two weeks ago, I woke up and I remembered the old me, with the old last name and the fangs and yearning. I remembered being brave and funny and mean and smart. I remembered paying more than $16 for a haircut (once, I bought a dress that cost $400). I remembered paying myself some attention. Maybe not as much as I could. But some. Now it’s like I don’t even exist.

Two weeks ago I woke up and I realized that I want some of previous me's life back. Not everything. Not the drugs or the leather pants or the necklace that spelled out “FUCK” in rhinestones. But something. Some part of me that doesn’t just circle back to them. Some part of me that is for me only.

So. Now what? Do I just wait to fall back asleep? Dissolve back into the lives of the men I am building? Or do I try to stay awake? Try to get some part of me back? And if I choose option B then what, exactly, would that entail?
And then, as if by goddamn witchcraft, Josh presented me with this piece of glamour:


Dinner at the Water Grill, bitches! The table was set with white napkins, but when the host noticed we were wearing black, he just swept them away and brought back black ones. So we didn't get linty. Also, the wine list included a bottle for $6,000. Six. Thousand. Dollars. I took a picture but you couldn't read the number. But at least all the iPhone photography alerted the waitress to the caliber of guest she was dealing with: bumpkins, yo!


Amuse-bouche. Consider our bouches amused.

(I'll spare you further pictures of our meal, but just know this: they know what the fuck they're doing over there at the Water Grill.)


OK, I lied. One more picture. This is the remains of dessert. I will note here that there were these, like, cookie-crumby things on the plate & I tasted some and it was cake crumbs sauteed in butter. CAKE CRUMBS SAUTEED IN BUTTER. That is what separates us from the animals right there.


And then, and then, there was this. Four Seasons at Disney Hall. Seriously. Sometimes it's so easy to take this city for granted, but Christ. Just look at this place.


So, in conclusion: Nice prescience, Josh. Thank you for remembering that I'm a chick & bringing me back round to closer to normal.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Annual Xmas Tour

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I was going to say that we took our annual walk to check out the neighborhood crazies. But then I remembered what my own damn house looks like, so I will revise. We took our annual walk to check out the neighborhood festivity. Because it's festive. Not crazy in the least.

Except maybe this. This is pretty fucking crazy:
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My favorite part of the evening was trying to explain that particular piece of nuts to Dash.

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That tree is just sitting right in the middle of the cul-de-sac! That is a serious commitment to Christmas.

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North Pole, here we come. Santa, hide the Legos.

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I dunno, I'm not buying it. If the Smurfs are Jewish how come they don't have any doctors or lawyers?

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Every year Josh & I marvel that no one has burned this dude's house down yet. He is the only one on the entire street of crazy (yeah, I said it. it's crazy crazy crazy) who doesn't hang a single light. You almost have to admire his backbone. Except you just know he's the neighborhood asshole.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Jenukkah 2009

We threw a party and I didn't black out not once! Yay for me!

The Three "Wise" Men

Even though it was Jen's birthday...

Dash scored some pretty serious loot, including this Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots game. All the fellas got in on some hot robot fighting action.

When I say, "classy!" you say, "what?!"

The end

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Shit I Made

A quilt for Aunty. Hi Aunty! Do you like your new quilt? I hope you do 'cause you're not getting another one for 10 years at least!

Pirate Bird for Mugsy. Badass babies get badass stuffed birds. (A girl version may or may not be in the works for a certain gestating badass-ette.)

Embroidery for Jen & Tom.

PLUS, I made a Batman doll that Dash hates with the heat of 1,000 suns and two more quilts (pics coming).

I am fucking tired.

Hello, Claus

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I am sad to report that, of the three, this is the picture where Dash looks the most intelligent.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Christmas in the Crib

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Hello, Pig.

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Those buckets were Dash's advent calendar. "Were?" you ask? Yes, we had to put it away because the child complained about seven out of nine gifts. COMPLAINED. About GIFTS. We are doing a bang up job as parents.

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I made this with a Styrofoam wreath form and scraps left over from the quilt I made my mom for Christmas (shh).

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Yeah, Santa. I want a pair of Frye boots and a cashmere sweater. Not looking good for this year.

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Crazy lady Christmas Village FTW!

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When Josh & I first started dating, he invited me to a "bring an ornament" Christmas party. I brought Kandy Kane. She is ultra-classy. Also, Dash is obsessed with her.

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I made this from a slice off the bottom of last year's tree. My ornament-making has gone from PG-13 to ABC Family.

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How many times have we found a kitten nesting in the branches? More than once.

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How awesome is this idea from here? Dump some glittery Epsom salt in a mason jar, plop in a candle and all of a sudden you're a decorator or something.

OK, that's how we're rolling so far. We have a big birthday party coming up tomorrow night, so I'll report back on that hoopla soon.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dear Santa

Dash wrote his first letter to Santa (well, he wrote "Dear Santa" & "Love, Dash" & dictated the rest). He asked for a monster truck & a "guy." I have no idea what a "guy" is in this context, but I'm pretty sure Santa has approved the monster truck.

santa letter copy

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Sunday, December 06, 2009


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Dash went from "skating" like this (please to enjoy my "Oh God, please don't drop him" face )

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To this! First time ever on his own on the ice. Only took four tries over two years. Kid's a natural.

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Then we came home & broke out your Grandma's Christmas Village, as re-imagined by the crazy lady (me) on Rosemont Lane.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

December So Far

Dude, we are kicking our Andre's list's ASS. Here is Dash having an awesome time watching Polar Express, outdoors, with his best friends from school:

I know it looks like he's in a hostage situation, but that's just what he looks like 90% of the time. He is smiling on the inside.