The Fall

I think the fall & winter are hard on me. Even though the holidays are my reason for living, and I love nothing more than a crock-potted stew or butternut squash soup, I get a little itchy right around now.

I'm fairly certain it's because around this time four years ago things got really fucking scary for me. I was in the middle of infertility testing and treatment and it was slowing starting to dawn on me that I probably wasn't going to make a baby by knocking boots with my husband (not even with the help of Clomid. Not even with the help of injections). I remember having to wake up at 6 on Thanksgiving morning in 2004 and drive into Westwood to have my follicles measured. I shared the dark waiting room with a family composed of a hugely pregnant woman, her husband and their adorable one-year-old. I was alone and scared and humiliated and fairly certain that my doctor had no idea who I was or what was wrong with me. It was a difficult winter.

The following fall found me hugely pregnant from IVF and in the middle of selling our old house and buying a new one. Aside from the terror of impending motherhood, I was so incredibly anxious that our old house wouldn't sell and that we'd have to make two mortgage payments. And that even if the house did sell we wouldn't be able to afford our new mortgage. And neither Josh nor I had spent more than a couple of afternoons in the new city where we were moving and knew no one. And then we'd have to pack. And then we'd have to unpack. And then I'd have to give birth. I was scared shitless.

And then I gave birth and the postpartum kicked in and lasted a good year and a half. And then Josh changed jobs and the new one didn't take and so there was some unemployment and financial uncertainty.

So, you know, things have tended to get pretty shitty around this time of year for the past few years. And now I'm scared about the Financial Crisis of Doom. And I'm crabby about that Palin woman. And it's making me mean and kind of horrible to be around.

But I have made a decision that this! This! Is the year I turn it around.

She motivated me. Stunned me into a new, hopefully better version of myself. It's time to start counting blessings and savoring gifts. It's time for kindness and (more importantly) a cease to unkindness. As Beanpaste said: it's time for Up With People.

So here is my first kindness to the universe (hopefully the upcoming ones will be a mite more substantial). In honor of this blog's second anniversary and, more importantly, Talk Like a Pirate Day:

Q: What is the greatest pirate college rock band?

A: ARRRR. E. M.

Q: How do pirates know that they are pirates?

A: They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

Q: What's really a pirate's favorite letter?

A: P! Because it's an R, but it's missing a leg!