Thursday, July 18, 2013


You guys. We went on a cruise. To Alaska. And I almost don't know what to say about it because it was so incredibly beautiful and amazing and relaxing and breakthrough-y. I had so many favorite parts, starting with the fact that there was an ice cream bar. Where you could get a swirl cone with sprinkles for free, day or night. That fact is coupled closely with my second-favorite part--watching all the little kids at the pool get progressively fatter over the course of ten days. It was pretty adorable, seeing all those skinny little kids grow old-man paunches that would just kinda flap over their bathing suit bottoms. (The less said about my own 5-lb weight gain, despite near-daily treadmill runs and breakfasts consisting mainly of plain yogurt with muesli, the better.) (Might have been the dinners followed closely by second dinners. Then desserts followed closely by second desserts.) (Also, the chardonnay started at about 2pm each day and ended at around bedtime.)

Anyway, here are way, way too many pictures because I am many things, but a minimalist ain't one.

Because we would sail from San Francisco, we drove up a day early so we could take Dash to John's Grill. Dash is named after Dashiell Hammett, who set the Maltese Falcon there. Josh and I ate there before Dash was born, and I think it was partly what inspired his name.

Poor Josh choked down what tasted like a glass of iced Robitussin just to get the souvenir glass. Way to take one for the team, Zubs!

Dash tagged the paper tablecloth before we left.

We arrived in San Francisco just a couple of days after the Supreme Court struck down DOMA & Prop 8, so the entire city was festooned in rainbow flags. I can't tell you how happy Josh & I were to be able to explain why to Dash.

Here's Dash about to board the ship. It's funny, you wander through this huge, empty warehouse before getting on the ship, so you're even more unprepared than you should be for the splendor that awaits you on the other side of the gangplank.

We got to sail under the Golden Gate Bridge!

At our first stop in Ketchikan, Josh and Dash headed off an a zipline excursion while I stayed behind like a sane person.

They got matching sweatshirts because they are the world's most adorable badasses.

Josh woke up at 5am one morning to see a glacier. I decided that Dash & I would rather sleep than stand on a freezing deck in the cold Alaska morning air looking at ice. I was right about me. I was wrong about Dash. Sorry, Dash!

Here's what he would have seen if I were a better mother.

Dash, working on his cruise gut.

When Dash wasn't eating, he was mostly swimming.

Or playing ping pong.

Dudes. I read a book. An entire book! In less than two months!

Wanna see another picture of my feet? OK!

Hi! I thought I had lost my Ray Ban glasses before the cruise, so I quick ordered a new pair from Warby Parker. They're my most favorite glasses ever, and they cost less than half what the Ray Bans cost. Plus they give away a free pair of glasses every time you buy a pair (like Toms does with shoes), so it's almost like a I did a good deed! Almost.

Ice cream in Juneau.

Apparently this place is famous? We ate there and it was fine. But they do have a drink called a Duck Fart and when you ask how they make a Duck Fart they say "you squeeze him," so that was worth the trip.

They also let you carve your name into their wood railings. (Dash got his very first pocket knife earlier in the trip, in Icy Strait Point, so he was eager to do some vandalism.)

The child insists on buying squished pennies whenever he sees a machine. And then we never see them again. Do you think he's eating them? Trading them for drugs? Or Kit Kats?

See? Duck Fart.

Oooh, pretty.

Our stateroom steward was the world's nicest human. Every night at turndown, he would arrange Dash's Puss, Cuddles & Nana (and later William the Penguin, our newest family member) in a different way. One night we returned from dinner to find he'd made Dash a pengin out of a towel. We named him Penguini (like Linguini) and brought his ass home with us.

There's William!

Here are Dash & Josh standing in front of a sign that reads, "Icy Strait Point."

We each got a wood chip to burn in the community fire, which was a lovely welcome.

Dash took that shit pretty seriously.

Totem pole!

Another totem pole!

Our second excursion was in Victoria, BC. We went on the world's greatest pirate adventure.

They learned pirate dances and songs, solved a mystery and found some pirate treasure.

Dash got his first tie on the ship. He was so incredibly proud to wear it (with his skull shirt) on formal dinner night.


All right. Now let's move on to the gluttony portion of this post, shall we?


After a while we got tired of having to go out for second dinner, so Josh just started doubling up. Here he's rocking the pork chop and shrimp. Because we are excellent Jews.

Dash developed a weird affinity for alphabet soup on the cruise. So we obviously had to stick our fingers in there to spell things out.

Did you know this about me? That I steal spoons from happy occasions? If I was at your wedding I stole a spoon. This one's from the cruise ship.

In conclusion.

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