Cruisin'

You guys. We went on a cruise. To Alaska. And I almost don't know what to say about it because it was so incredibly beautiful and amazing and relaxing and breakthrough-y. I had so many favorite parts, starting with the fact that there was an ice cream bar. Where you could get a swirl cone with sprinkles for free, day or night. That fact is coupled closely with my second-favorite part--watching all the little kids at the pool get progressively fatter over the course of ten days. It was pretty adorable, seeing all those skinny little kids grow old-man paunches that would just kinda flap over their bathing suit bottoms. (The less said about my own 5-lb weight gain, despite near-daily treadmill runs and breakfasts consisting mainly of plain yogurt with muesli, the better.) (Might have been the dinners followed closely by second dinners. Then desserts followed closely by second desserts.) (Also, the chardonnay started at about 2pm each day and ended at around bedtime.)

Anyway, here are way, way too many pictures because I am many things, but a minimalist ain't one.

Because we would sail from San Francisco, we drove up a day early so we could take Dash to John's Grill. Dash is named after Dashiell Hammett, who set the Maltese Falcon there. Josh and I ate there before Dash was born, and I think it was partly what inspired his name.

Poor Josh choked down what tasted like a glass of iced Robitussin just to get the souvenir glass. Way to take one for the team, Zubs!

Dash tagged the paper tablecloth before we left.

We arrived in San Francisco just a couple of days after the Supreme Court struck down DOMA & Prop 8, so the entire city was festooned in rainbow flags. I can't tell you how happy Josh & I were to be able to explain why to Dash.

Here's Dash about to board the ship. It's funny, you wander through this huge, empty warehouse before getting on the ship, so you're even more unprepared than you should be for the splendor that awaits you on the other side of the gangplank.

We got to sail under the Golden Gate Bridge!

At our first stop in Ketchikan, Josh and Dash headed off an a zipline excursion while I stayed behind like a sane person.

They got matching sweatshirts because they are the world's most adorable badasses.

Josh woke up at 5am one morning to see a glacier. I decided that Dash & I would rather sleep than stand on a freezing deck in the cold Alaska morning air looking at ice. I was right about me. I was wrong about Dash. Sorry, Dash!

Here's what he would have seen if I were a better mother.

Dash, working on his cruise gut.

When Dash wasn't eating, he was mostly swimming.

Or playing ping pong.

Dudes. I read a book. An entire book! In less than two months!

Wanna see another picture of my feet? OK!

Hi! I thought I had lost my Ray Ban glasses before the cruise, so I quick ordered a new pair from Warby Parker. They're my most favorite glasses ever, and they cost less than half what the Ray Bans cost. Plus they give away a free pair of glasses every time you buy a pair (like Toms does with shoes), so it's almost like a I did a good deed! Almost.

Ice cream in Juneau.

Apparently this place is famous? We ate there and it was fine. But they do have a drink called a Duck Fart and when you ask how they make a Duck Fart they say "you squeeze him," so that was worth the trip.

They also let you carve your name into their wood railings. (Dash got his very first pocket knife earlier in the trip, in Icy Strait Point, so he was eager to do some vandalism.)

The child insists on buying squished pennies whenever he sees a machine. And then we never see them again. Do you think he's eating them? Trading them for drugs? Or Kit Kats?

See? Duck Fart.

Oooh, pretty.

Our stateroom steward was the world's nicest human. Every night at turndown, he would arrange Dash's Puss, Cuddles & Nana (and later William the Penguin, our newest family member) in a different way. One night we returned from dinner to find he'd made Dash a pengin out of a towel. We named him Penguini (like Linguini) and brought his ass home with us.

There's William!

Here are Dash & Josh standing in front of a sign that reads, "Icy Strait Point."

We each got a wood chip to burn in the community fire, which was a lovely welcome.

Dash took that shit pretty seriously.

Totem pole!

Another totem pole!

Our second excursion was in Victoria, BC. We went on the world's greatest pirate adventure.

They learned pirate dances and songs, solved a mystery and found some pirate treasure.

Dash got his first tie on the ship. He was so incredibly proud to wear it (with his skull shirt) on formal dinner night.

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All right. Now let's move on to the gluttony portion of this post, shall we?

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After a while we got tired of having to go out for second dinner, so Josh just started doubling up. Here he's rocking the pork chop and shrimp. Because we are excellent Jews.

Dash developed a weird affinity for alphabet soup on the cruise. So we obviously had to stick our fingers in there to spell things out.

Did you know this about me? That I steal spoons from happy occasions? If I was at your wedding I stole a spoon. This one's from the cruise ship.

In conclusion.

Skoolz Out fo Summah!

Dash finished first grade on Thursday. I threw a party to celebrate. Because that's how I deal with life events and the changes I can't control. Well, parties and sitting in a dark room, rocking back and forth, repeating, "he's still little" to myself over and over. But let's focus on the party.

I made ice eggs (stuff a few trinkets--I used bracelets, Legos, keychains and other little Squinkies and the like--into a balloon, fill with water, tie off and freeze for a few days. Once they're frozen, peel the rubber off and voila).

And let the kids go nuts.

Look. At. That. Face. JUST LOOK AT IT!

There was also hair dyeing (with Kool Aid, Sharpies and spray-in color to accommodate every kid's needs) and food and forts and crafts. But I didn't get any pictures of anything because I was having fun just celebrating those amazing kids and their amazing parents. 

Here's our yearbook message to Dash (sans a couple of commas, but you know). We are killing this whole parenting thing.

The Day of Zubs

(We call him Zubs. There is a very, very long explanation as to why, but if I wrote it down I'd just be drawing attention to all the crazy).

SO! It was Father's Day on Sunday, and since Dash happens to own the very best of all the fathers, we celebrated in many manly ways.

The day began with gifts. Which is the best way to begin any day.

There was a barbeque component that consisted of a Dash-made apron.

And some mama-made bourbon & brown sugar barbeque sauce. (Dash made the label. The light blue should read as "soon the pig will be bacon." Dark).

If only the Internet was scratch & sniff.

ALSO: onion bacon marmalade. 

Or, you know, marmalabe. 

We made the sauces the weekend before, and needed to store them in the fridge without them being discovered early. Good thing I have Jedi training.

After a breakfast of toad in a hole, bacon, chocolate chip waffles, onion bacon marmalade toast and cinnamon rolls, Grandpa arrived and the boys went to go look at cars at the Petersen Automotive Museum. 

I know it was Father's Day, but I got the very best gift of the day: permission to not go to the Petersen museum and look at cars.

After they had seen enough cars, my fellas returned to me and I took them out for ribs. Because ribs. And also because they had a leg lamp in the waiting area. That's how we knew it was a good restaurant. Because that lamp? It's a Major Award.

Happy Father's Day, Zubs! We're the world's luckiest humans to get to share a life with you.

Forts

Some days it's just so hot. And everyone is so bored. And maybe a little cranky.

On those days there isn't much left to do but build a fort.

One king sized sheet, two stained tablecloths, a repurposed backstop and a handful of chip clips later, and we were in business.

We filled it with pillows, blankets, Otter Pops and Netflix streaming on the Kindle, and spent the entire afternoon in there. Didn't come out until dinner time. Then we did it all again the next day.

Reasons

There are so many beautiful reasons to have children.

You want to share the beauty and abundance of this world with a child.

You want to make something that will live on as a testament to your love for your spouse.

You want to share the lessons you learned from your own parents.

You want to see childhood again, through a different lens.

You want to give your parents the gift of a grandchild.

Me? I'm mostly in it for the diorama-making.