So I'm ordering an organic cotton mattress liner on Target's website yesterday and they have a "buy two baby gear items and get free shipping" deal and I am, after all, a Jew, so I figure, what the hell? I'm sure there's something else I can use here. It didn't hit me until half an hour later what I had done. I had ordered this thing:
However: I DO NOT WANT. I am not ready to start this. Despite the fact that I am almost not strong enough to restrain him on the changing table when he really puts his back into the fight. Despite the fact that this thing holds the promise of my never having to leave a restaurant to change a diaper in the front seat of my car. Despite the fact that there could be a time in the future when I don't have to touch human feces on a daily basis. Despite all of those things, I DO NOT WANT.
It's not that I want to keep him a baby. I honestly do delight in watching him develop into a little man. Every new thing learned fills me with glee and is noted for proud reports to Godmother and Grandparents. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too eager to see him grow. A little too excited to share with him trips to Disneyland and family vacations. I have plotted out in my head the garden that we will plant together, and have started collecting chocolate chip cookie recipes so we can, one day, spill flour all over the kitchen. I almost can't wait for him to get just a teeny bit bigger so we can really get started on the business of having a good time. So it's not that I want to keep him a baby. It really isn't.
But there are some things I'm not ready to give up yet. I am not ready to give up diaper changes. Or shoe tying. Or the crib. Or the calling everything "apple" so each item in the fridge must be pulled out and presented until we get to yes. Those are the things that make me Mommy and not Mom. The things that mean that I am the love of his life and not the pain in the ass he must negotiate in order to break curfew.
So, when the big, red, plastic loo arrives I'll just throw it in the trash. Call it the shipping charge for the other thing.