Stories

There is so much that I just don't know where to start.

The days are getting shorter, huh? We have to turn on the living room light when we get up in the morning now. Isn't it funny, how you start to forget there can ever be any season other than the one you're in and then--blam-- the scent of fall wafts by or the color of the light changes and you're instantly transported to the Next.

We put the house up for sale.

Five years ago, about this time, I was pregnant & we had just made the difficult decision to move out of our tiny house in the valley. We needed more space, better schools, safer streets, and we found them all (and more) in our new community. The very first time we saw our house it was bathed in the same color light as it is now.

It's so, so hard to say goodbye to our little house. We became a family of three here. It's the only house Dash has ever known. It's where he learned to swing a bat and where we've celebrated his every birthday.

But say goodbye we must. The mortgage has become a burden and we are coming to the realization that it likely won't ever be worth near what we paid. If we sell, Josh has the option of becoming a stay-at-home dad. We'll have a lot more breathing room, financially. We'll be able to start traveling again. Life will be better. Easier. But it's still sad to leave a house you love. That you thought you'd live in forever.

Remember when I went crazy last year? When I started to feel like I was drowning in my boys? In my role as wife and mother? I never really talked about what came next.

What came next was this: my beautiful friend Jen took me for a mani-pedi and in her gentle, kind way told me about an anti-anxiety medication that might help me. I had never, ever, in a million years considered medication before. It was for other people. Definitely not for people like me. I'm Russian, for chrissakes. If we get depressed we write Crime & Punishment. If we get anxious we drink vodka. But something about the way she spoke to me made it feel ok. Made it feel like something I should think about.

So I did. And then I made a doctor's appointment. And then he gave me a sample bottle with ten pills in it. And then my life changed.

I don't want to be dramatic here, but seriously: my life changed. I fell back in love with my husband in a way I didn't realize was possible for old, married couples with kids. I fell in love with my son in a way that made me a better person. A better mother and friend and citizen of the Earth. I fell in love with making beautiful, silly things for the sheer pleasure of making them. I fell in love with eating good, whole foods and stopping when I knew I ought to. I fell in love with my garden and my neighbors. I fell in love with life. My small, uneventful, funny little life.

And I'm still in love with all of those things. And that love has shored me up to contend with the sale of our house, and the not knowing where we'll live, and the terrifying thought of having to pack up so, so much shit. Oh my God, the packing. I had forgotten about the packing.

Happy Fall, doves. It will be, for sure.